Lost Reason

More Lyrics. This song is inspiring to me and Max's situation right now... It's on the playlist at the top if anyone wants to listen to it.

I've been asking to myself,
What this crazy feeling means to me?
I need so much more than I can give
Trying not to think of you
Tell me where you have been hiding out
There must be something I can do

Suddenly, I realize the way to go from now on
I can see, now
Wanna do, I wanna do
Take you all the way now

You are the reason I'm alive
I can't take this any longer honey, please don't say goodbye
Remember the night I held you tight
Before you go make me cry
Can't you just change your mind?

I've been talking to myself,
What this dizzy feeling means to me?
You need so much more than you can give
Trying not to look for you
Tell me what you have been keeping up
There must be somewhere I can go

Finally, I realize the way to go from now on
I can feel, now
Wanna do, I wanna do
Take you all the way now

I am the reason you're alive
I can't take this any longer honey, don't leave me alone
Remember the night I held you tight
Before you go play on me
Speak with your true mind

Just one wish,
Before you deny yourself
Stay with me, till I get high enough

You are the reason I'm alive
I can't take this any longer honey,
Please don't say good-bye
Remember the night I held you tight
Before you go make me cry
Can't you just change your mind?　
Just one wish, before you deny yourself
Stay with me, till I get high enough

YAY!!!

OMG INTERNET!!!!!! I am so thrilled! Though so much has happened this summer where do I begin!? Well... Me and Max are still together, though just barely. We are planning to officially meet in a few weeks... Hopefully. We decided that we were going to start over and that we were gonna do it right this time.... Is it wrong for me to date a Freshman? Eh whatever I'm not 18 yet anyways.

Me and Axel are really close though now too, and if things don't work with Max at least I have him.

Uhh... My best friend Kaitie had to move to North Carolina with her dad because of her mother's sudden death... But I will be doing a seperate post for that. Kaitie gave me all of her paints as well as her $80 wireless router so I have internet everywhere in my house now.

So! Last Monday night... The 6th i think? Well whatever. I went back to my hometown of Big Lake and spent the evening with my friends. There was12 of us on a pontoon in the middle of the lake! It was so fun. It was just like old times! Such perverted jokes flying around and me and Kaitie were like the very center of attention the entire time because we were the ones that weren't coming back for a really long time.

The best part of that night was Kaitie had requested to sit on my lap bescause there wasn't a lot of room in the back of the boat. I said fine cuz she would have done it one way or another. Well we had some music going and she started dancing a little bit here and there. So of course, I had to call it to everyone's attention by shouting "Everyone look! Kaitie's giving me a lap dance!" Everyone's heads literally snapped to the back of the boat where we were. She just turned a bit and whapped the top of my head with the pizza box she was holding...

It was really fun that day though. We were in the water at the beach and i was tackled by 5 people or so, one of them kissed my cheek, Kaiti licked me, not to mention I was groped by nearly everyone. Is it odd that I actually miss that? Well... No. I have a few friends, but none I really stay in contact with. Only the ones on the internet... None from down here sadly. I never really adjusted... Next year is my last year anyways so if I make the friends I have even closer then awesome, if not well... I'm going to live with Kaitie anyways....

Sigh. I just have a habit of closing myself off from society anyways when moving to a new place, but you'd think that after 6 months... wow has it really been that long? Yes actually almost exactly... we moved here I think on the 19th, though I didn't join school again til February... Sad.

Anyways. Still no job... No where within a decent distance is hiring. I miss having money... I miss my friends. I really miss my job. But whatever. I enjoy my time on the internet... That seems to be the only life I have anyways.

My mother is getting worse, though she won't admit it. She literally told me straight to my face that I didn't love her anymore and I was so tempted just to tell her straight out that I didn't. I'm so sick of her bullshit anyways. Why should I respect someone that doesn't respect me, parent or not.

Well that's enough for this post. I have two more but they won't nearly be as long.

The lying bastards all of them

Ah my first post of summer vacation... I still don't have internet... I'm stealing from a library. Not much has happened this past month.. wow has it been that long already? Anyways... I foundout that max has been lying to me this whole time... hell that picture there isn't even him. Damn and i thought he was sexy... >.<>.< Damnit max why oh why do you have to be a freshman!?

Need.... Hammer.....

OMFG! I want a damn hammer! Or a two by four or something hard that I could knock myself out with! I might have a sinus infection and if it wasn't for tests and such today *coughrichsclasscough* I wouldn't even be here! I'm so damn miserable! My throat and neck hurt like hell mainly because the glands in my neck had swollen to like twice their size in the past two days.... I can hardly swallow and am stuf eating soft foods.... Though I can't complain, I love ramen....

Also... My head hurts like hell. Reason for the title. I want the pain in my head to stop, what better way to do that than with a hammer? Oh yeah... Maybe it's just a cold, but I'm not coughing much, cuz it seems to be all in my head... Usually my colds start in my chest. I thought it was allergies. Now I'm sneezing... and every time I do it hurts like hell.... My head feels like it's about to explode or something....

Ok well I'm gonna stop complaining...

Equality article

I follow in that most movies leave out the minorities, but I believe that to be because that's what they are. Minorities. I have nothing against them, I really don't, but people like to see what is most common to them. I'm not saying that there shouldn't be a movie like what they described, but it's just not that likely to break the habit. Where Disney has it's princesses, Pixar has it's male leads. It will always be like this.

This is just the way things will always be... Women, on the large scale of things, as well as blacks, and other minorities, recently obtained their rights, while most people still have it engrained in their minds that white men, are always on top. This is just how society works. I don't mind that people think that, and we are rather lucky to have women at all in movies.

Silence article

This article is of major importance. Stories should be shared, and action should be taken to try and prevent these things from happening... I'm getting my friend to come online and post right now about the things that have happened to him, as a result of breaking the silence that he has held for so very long. Once he is done I will post a link, that or his blog is one of the ones on my list entitled "depression and roses".


As to where my blog will go over the summer depends on whether or not I have access to the internet, though I hope I will and I will continue to write on it every day.

Social networking article

I think that people often do things like this to impress people, though most people are just trying to make themselves a new identity as a person. Look at me. Most people that I roleplay with all think that I'm a male. This is fine by me, as I am a tomboy, and would rather be male. I have a very male mindset, and most people automatically call me "he", without me telling them to. So on my myspace account, it says that I'm male. Same for my face book and all of my proboards accounts. I just prefer this as of late. Though I have never stolen someone elses pictures to remake myself as someone else.

If they want a picture of me, they can ask, though they probably won't get one anyways. I hate pictures. Cameras steal your soul.........

Response to the Article thingy

I don't know whether or not things like this could possibly be true. You see, I'm a daughter, and my father is still very conservative. He is very strong willed with this. I am kinda in between, but more on the Democratic side. Just because he has a daughter didn't change his views. I don't think children can change a persons views on the way their country should be run.

Music Volume

So, what it is? What volume do you like to hear your music at and why? Do you feel like listening to music loudly is a worthy sacrifice or some bands are better louder? What about concerts? Ever gone to one with ear plugs?

I prefer to listen to my music at low or medium volume. This way it doesn't hurt my ears as much. I am really sensitive to higher pitched noises, where as bass is kinda hard for me to hear. I like listening to some music louder than others, but I think that some bands and some styles of music are much better to listen to louder, though some are good with both. I have never ever been to a concert.....

Okay!

So that memoir thing I will try to have 700+ words, lol, posted on Monday! I say 700+ because we all know how I write. Anyways!

Some news I suppose. I finally managed to have a conversation with Thesty, and it seems that he's getting involved with somethings that I would rather him not. Though he doesn't seem to know what it is either, just that he's needed. I don't like the way he chooses to live his life most of the time, but it is not my place to say what he does or why. But still, we talked for nearly an hour! New record for Thesty. But really the only reason I called him is because I knew he would be awake that late and I couldn't seem to fall asleep no matter what I did. It was nice to talk to him I suppose.

Okay! So last night, way before I called Thesty, I talked to Axel and Max via three-way calling, which I didn't know my phone could do until last night! I am so proud of my new achievement!

Anyways, Axel and Max hated each other, and yet they are somewhat good friends because of me. Max and Ax, lol must be something with the "x" sound with me, had a rather good conversation. All of us had a good time talking. It was nice to see that they can get along, as well as get equal attention from me. They seemed happy.

Anyways. I guess I will go start on that memoir thingy now.... Ta ta

Weekend thoughts

What kind and good thing will you do for the world and for yourself this weekend and what motivates that choice?

I don't know what exactly I would do for this weekend. All of my weekend plans got ruined. And if I even talk to my mom about going to my dads this weekend, even though I'm probably going anyways, She will just flip out on me again. I will mostly just try to sleep. I've been rather insomniac this week and really really need some good sleep.........

Passing Away

Who in your life who has passed away is most memorable or meaningful to you?

Hmm... This is an interesting question. As of late many people in my life have passed away, which has been hard on my family. Last summer, both of my grandpa's parents passed away, and just recently, my other great-grandfather and one of the accepted grandparents in our family did as well. By accepted I mean she is the wife of my grandma's step dad. All that's left is my grandmother's step-father. However of all of these people that have recently passed away, I wasn't particularily close to them. I vauguely remember some of them.

The only one that passed away that was extremely meaningful to me, as odd as it may sound, was my dog, Natron. He was my dog from the time I was about 4. He lived with us for 12 years and lived a happy life, though not a very healthy one towards the end. He was the greatest dog on the planet, very smart, almost human-like. He would sleep with me and keep me company, and while I was away from my dad's, he would still sleep in my bed, waiting for my return. He would always greet me with a kind and friendly lick and was always there when I needed comfort.

He would eat popcorn with us when we watched movies and he would always love to come to the beach with us or go on family vacations. Most of all he loved being outdoors. He was a hunting dog, and he loved what he did. He always had fun, and even to the very end he always wanted to get out and chase the birds. It was just that he couldn't anymore.

I remember very clearly the last stretch. My dad and his girlfriend had to go get the new truck from North Carolina in April of 08. I was down at my Aunt's house, watching over Noah, as well as her kids and the dogs, both Nate and Kai, who was still pretty small at the time.

We were going to be there from Friday night until early, like 2 am-ish early, Monday morning. Nate had been refusing to eat anything for a week by that time. I knew he was sick, and I knew it was time, but my dad insisted on keeping him around just a little longer, he had hoped until the ground had unthawed so we could bury him in a nice place that much easier. But with as skinny as he was getting, I knew it wouldn't be long. Soon, we had to move him in and out of the house on blankets and towels, and despite the fact that it was freezing outside, we had to keep him out there because he had no control over himself, bowels included.

My cousins kept wanting me to go inside, because I would get sick, which I did a little less than two days later. I sat outside in the rain with him, keeping his towels and blankets clean and covering him with newer, dryer, warmer ones. I even covered him with my own sweatshirt.

April 7, 2008. The decision had come down to it. We had to put him down...

It was an extremely hard day for the entire family. And it still is a little hard for us. We had buried Nate next to the pond where he loved to swim around and chase the ducks and geese and pheasants.

RIP My beloved Natron

Damn son of a-!

Growl! *sigh* I can't believe this shit! All this week I've been pushing it and pushing it! Hell for the past month and a half he's known! Hell since March he's known! It's me and Maxie's 6 month TOMORROW! He was supposed to see if he could come down, at least for part of the weekend! And all of this week! Hell for the past 2 months he's known about it! And what does he go and do? He sets up a graduation party for himself on Saturday and completely forgot to tell me until just now! How long has it been since he set up this party? Maybe 3 weeks? A month? God I hate him sometimes! He might not even talk to me tomorrow because he's gonna be busy doing stuff to get ready for that damn party!

I don't get it.... What have I done to have such poor karma? I'm a good person! I do nice things! Don't I? *sigh* I'm going into being more of an insomniac, and I haven't really gotten a decent nights sleep all week... On top of that I've been in bed on so many painkillers my head was spinning for the past 3 days.... I just wanted this one thing to work out. And now it won't because he "forgot". How the hell do you forget about that?

*sigh* anyways.... I'm done ranting now I think.... Time to go crawl into my little hole and let my creativity flow, as it often does when I'm in a depressed state.... And today was going good too....

Owie...

Ouchie! >.<>.< omg it hurts!!!!!!

Anyways... Maxie isnt coming... I'm starting to give up on the fact that he might never come and see me.... And umm... Thest vanished again... Completely disappeared again... I gave up on him too... He never wants to talk. Ever.... And Max has been blowing me off lately too. He rather spend his time playing games on the computer or sleeping or whatever the hell it is he does. He hung up on me because he was on the computer and it was late and he decided I needed sleep....

Sigh. I hate boys sometimes... Though... I can't really say I'm much better. Maxie said he will let me date someone else because he's too busy with school and whatever. Though he's probably got another girlfriend. Not that I care. I understand not having someone there with you is hard...

I am in fact dating someone else now as well, and their both somewhat okay with it. But if Max would stop being an ass and stop blowing me off I wouldn't have a problem. Anyways. The person I talked about earlier, Axel. I thought we had no attraction to each other, but I guess we were wrong. By the sound of it I have a better chance seeing him then Maxie. Sigh. I hate my life sometimes...

Boys. The cause of everyone's trouble....

Anyways. I'm done ranting now I think.

Best/worst part of summer

What is the best and worst thing about summer coming?

The best part of summer is of course, no school. Getting to sleep in, the warm weather, working, swimming, hanging out with friends, just being outside itself! I love summer, though it does sometimes get too hot, but that's why people like me jump into a lake or river. That nice cool water feels so good on a nice hot day!

The worst part of summer is the heat and the bugs. There gets to be way too much of that I think. Too many bugs. Though towards the end too much free time mixed with the anticipation of going back to school makes everything run slower. Honestly the worst part of summer is the end.

Wikipedia?

Umm well I found what "wiki" means and is... But i'm kinda confused as to what to do for the daily project things.... I don't know who or what I admired when I was little... hell I don't know who or what I admire now... So anyways. I guess I'll try to do tuesday's and wednesday's as well... I have lots of catching up to do with this project.

Wiki means: "A wiki is a collection of Web pages designed to enable anyone with access to contribute or modify content, using a simplified markup language.^[1][2] Wikis are often used to create collaborative websites and to power community websites. The collaborative encyclopedia Wikipedia is one of the best-known wikis.^[2] Wikis are used in business to provide intranet and knowledge management systems. Ward Cunningham, the developer of the first wiki software, WikiWikiWeb, originally described it as "the simplest online database that could possibly work."^[3]

Not good.... Warning: Swearing

I had an excellently good weekend at my dad's house and was really happy when I came home. But, if people notice, my eyes are completely bloodshot and I'm limping and really don't feel good. You know why this is? Well... As I've said many times before, stress makes me extremely sick... Despite the fact that I was happy yesterday, that all was ruined the very second I opened the door to my house....

Ugh... I wanna go home, but she's there. If my mother wasn't home I would still be in bed. I feel like I'm either gonna puke or pass out...

The second I walked into my house there was no "How was your weekend?" no "did you have fun" no "welcome home"... I got a "where the fuck have you been you're an hour late! You're never going to your dads again! Why don't you just go fucking live with him and wind up in jail or on the streets!"

Yeah. Nice mom. Real fucking nice.....

"He has no right to keep you this long! What about my rights?"

What about them mother? What about my fucking rights!? I'm not 5! I'm not 2! I'm 17! Get used to it! Maybe I want to see my father cuz I get sick of your ass yelling at me all the damn time! At least you've stopped slapping me and throwing me against cabinets. Now it's just the yelling that you know I fucking despise! Where were you after you had yelled at me enough to make me sit above the toilet gagging with the inability to breathe? Where were you when I was starting to pass out on the bathroom floor because you had pushed my limits? Were you the one to calm me down? No! Grandpa was. He and grandma are on my side because you need mental help! Until you get it I am not gonna fucking talk to you got that? I don't care what the hell you do! I will not stand for you telling me that I have no right to see my fucking parent! Got that? I am going to see him! So I'm an hour late? Big damn deal! If you want me home on time get off your lazy ass and come get me your fucking self you damn bitch!

sigh. I can't put up with this shit any more. I will raise my concern. And hopefully when I do she will listen to me and seek help.... I'm not taking this any longer, and honestly, when you move out, I might just stay with my grandparents because I don't want to take your shit any longer. You're right. I don't say I love you, I don't appreciate you, I don't respect you. Why should I? You may love me, but you don't respect me, you don't trust me or appreciate what I give up for you, what I have to put up with to make you happy. Do you not care what you're doing to me? One of these days... you're going to regret this. All of this. You make me sick, literally. And I hate you for putting me through this. You can't stop me from seeing my own father, and you never will....

Random survey thingy

Just cuz I'm bored I'm doing this lol


1. What is your best friends name?

Brandy Workman

2. What color underwear/boxers wearing now?

Uhh.... This is an unreasonable question and I'm not gonna check cuz I don't remember

3. What are you listening to right now?

Vault by Pendulum

4. Whats your favorite number?

7

5. What was the last thing you ate?

Uhh... I had apple cinnamon oatmeal for breakfast

6. If you were a crayon what color would you be?

Blue. I like blue

7. How is the weather right now?

Not raining for once. Thank god

8. Who was the last person you talked 2 on the phone?

Uhh... Axel and Maxie I think

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Hands. I swear. Hands are attractive. Eyes too.

10. Do you have a significant other?

Of course! I have my Maxie!!! ^^

11. Favorite TV show?

Supernatural and Harper's Island

12. Siblings?

Two brothers that aren't really brothers. One older one younger

13. Height?

5'3"..... used to be 5'7"

14. Hair color?

Varies, but as of late it's reddish blonde

15. Eye Color?

Again varies, so either green or hazel at the moment...

16. Do you wear contacts?

Nope. I want to though

17. Favorite Holiday?

Halloween

18. Month?

October. Just right for temperature

19. Have you ever cried for no reason?

I don't know... I think I've always had a reason

20. What was the last movie you watched?

The Great Raid last hour in WW2

21. Favorite Day of the Year?

June 23rd. I dunno why it just is.

22. Are you too shy to ask someone out?

Not if I really like them

23. Can you do a headstand (not using the wall)?

Nope

24. Hugs or Kisses?

Hugs

25. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Chocolate

26. Do you want your friends to respond to this?

If they want to

27. Who is most likely to respond?

No idea

28. Who is least likely to respond?

Again no clue

29. What books are you reading?

At the moment? "The hollow chocolate bunnies of the apocalypse" No I'm serious

30. Piercings?

Only my ears....

31. Favorite movies?

Too many to name

32. Favorite football Team?

Don't like football much. Boring

33. What were u doing before this?

Being bored

34. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?

Butter and salted naturally.

37. Dogs or cats?

I love kittys, but they don't like me. Dogs love me though. Honestly I love them both

38. Favorite flower?

Uhh... Lilacs I think

39. Been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do?

Yeah shoplifting once

40. Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex?

Ax, Roxy, Thest..... list goes on

41. Have you ever loved someone?

Maxie is my love

42. Who would you like to see right now?

Max

43. Are you still friends with people from kindergarten?

Nope

44. Have you ever fired a gun?

Yes. Both pistol and shotgun

45. Do you like to travel by plane?

I love planes

46. Right-handed or Left-handed?

Right handed while writing but while txting or typing i prefer left

47. How many pillows do you sleep with?

6

48. Are you missing someone?

Yeah.... My Maxie isn't here.....

49. Do you have a Tattoo?

Nope. Despise needles

50. Anybody that you'd go on a date with?

Maxie, maybe Thest or Ax too....


END OF SURVEY

Attack of boredom!!!!

O....M.....G..... So.....Bored!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This week has gone by really slow for me some reason and I'm glad that it's friday and all, but I really just want it to be over.... I want to take a nap..... Sleepy.... But I have to finish out this class, then watch a movie, then go through two more classes! I am seriously movied out.... No more movies for a month or two alright? I mean I'm glad we have them every once and awhile, but I am so damn movied out....

Also.... Prom tonight... everyone is excited, well, everyone that's going. I'm not going. For a few reasons. Max won't come. I'm flat broke anyways... Oh wait I lied! I have two pennies! Oh yeah... Sarcasm. Enjoy it. And I am most likely going to my dad's tonight and that's a rather long drive....

I feel like writing something now... I just don't know what.... Maybe I'll take up that extra credit prom short story thing....

Ja ne

Inspiration project thingy

Okay I did finally figure it out....

http://www.flickr.com/photos/kazureblue/sets/72157618194415660/

There's the link to it. I will be adding things on Monday I think to finish it up.

Interesting....

I was on the bus yesterday, as I am almost every day, and something rather odd happened. First off. I take the 50 to downtown St.Paul every day. From there I hop on one of the busses to the East Side where I live. And yesterday.... Well...

First off, someone at my first bus stop just right across the street was smoking. I know not a big deal right? Only they weren't smoking a cigarette.... More like cigaweed. Heh. I hate the smell of weed. Can't stand it. It makes my head hurt. So I was glad when I hopped on the 50 and got away from them, even though I swear the stench of it clung to me. I could smell it until I went home and took a shower.

Anyways I reached downtown soon enough. It was cloudy and looked like it was going to rain so I was rather glad that the bus came right away, even if it wasn't my preferred bus over the two that I have a choice over. I went and sat close to the back as I have been doing as of late. I was by myself, just zoning out and listening to music. As we got closer to the outer edge of the downtown area we let more people on.

I have a very sensitive sense of smell and could instantly tell these people had been drinking.... Only one of them chose to plop down right next to me and have a conversation. Of course I am a polite person and if you try and make conversation with me I usually respond. Only... This guy... His breath smelled worse than the rest of him. But still. I kept my politeness.

Then he started hitting on me. This man had to have been at least 50. I was sitting there, against the window with the inability to move away from him. Now, I'm a pretty damn paranoid person, and started freaking out mentally, but outside I was still perfectly calm. I asked him politely if he would mind if we switched spots, because, even though it was a lie, i told him my stop was coming up soon.

He shrugged and switched with me. He started hitting on me again and I scooted away from him. As I did he inched closer to me. Now i was sitting on the edge of my seat rather uncomfortably so I stood up and moved to another seat, which was only like, two away. He asked if I had a problem with him and I nodded. He asked why.

Here's the great part. My stop was coming up and I was rather annoyed with him anyway so I turned as I was getting off the bus and told him right to his face "It's called a shower, ever heard of one?" And I got off and walked home. He looked rather stunned because I had been so polite that entire time. I'm rather surprised he didn't try to follow me home.

Anyways. That was hopefully enough creepiness for me for the rest of the month. I hope it doesn't happen again..... ever.....

Daily question responses

How do you feel about body image in our culture? How has weight impacted your life or thinking? How important to you is size?

Honestly I think that people put too much effort into looking good. I mean, maybe I only think that because I myself am over weight, but other than that, I am in good health. I have a high blood count and my blood pressure and cholesterol are fine. I just have an extremely low metabolism. A thyroid condition runs in my family and I might have it so yeah. But seriously. Everyone wants to look like a super model, but most super models are extremely underweight. So they look good, but they also starve themselves. Someone who is 5'6" should have a healthy weight of at most 140, and at least 125 in my opinion. According to the doctors they need to be around 110. Well, what about the people that have thicker bone structure or higher muscle mass? They think they're over weight but they aren't. Muscle and bone are heavier than fat.

I don't really care what people look like. Some people are overweight, some people are freakishly small, so what? If people didn't judge each other a long time ago, why is it so important now? It's like that butter commercial where it says that the people in like the 50's used butter in everything and lots of it, and yet? They were still skinny and still healthy! So why should it make so much of a difference now?

!@#$%^&*(-)

What is the best plan? And, how equipped are young people to hearing critique and feedback? How do you hear feedback differently from friends, family or teachers? Where did you learn your response to constructive criticism or compliments, for that matter?



I think that if you are honest with someone, no matter what the case be it a compliment or criticism, they will respect you more because you were honest. I am a very honest person and I'm not afraid to speak my mind. I also think that most teens are this way. They may shrug off the comment, or they may take it to heart and change whatever it was, but they can handle it.

Feedback is a very important part of communication. But you do hear it differently from different people. If your friends tell you something, you may choose to listen, or you may not. They are your friends. If your family tells you something, you automatically have that need to fight it, because no matter what they will accept you as a person because you're family and they have to. As for taking it from teachers, people usually shrug it off, but only the ones that aren't serious about what they're doing.

I have learned that if you take things to heart and fix whatever problems others see in you, if you think they are bad as well, you will be a better person. Culture and communication mold people into what they are. If you don't show concern and honesty, if you don't criticize and compliment, people won't change for the better.

Finished!!!

OKay I finished the flickr project thing.... Here's the link cuz I really don't know what to do. I hate flickr....

http://www.flickr.com/photos/kazureblue/

The pics are backwards on this so scroll to the bottom and start there....

Dreams on crack

Okay I swear my dreams are on crack....

Last night I was talking to my friend Ax, which is probably why I managed to have a random ass dream about him.

In the dream for some reason he was fighting with his lover Roxy. So he came to me for comfort and we eventually got together.... Well... that may not seem strange but it really is. Here, let me explain.

Ax came to me weeping about Roxy, and when he told me he wanted me by his side, I refused, saying I had Max. So thew next day he turned Max into a dog..... I wondered where my lover was, but Ax didn't know.... On top of that he turned Thest into a bunny rabbit....

It was the middle of winter and he was wearing these horribly pink pants and a pink striped shirt and on top of that he was wearing a pink bandana and was humming and singing and carrying a broom. He was turning into a very strange housewife who decided to thaw the pool with a hair dryer because it wasn't pretty when it was frozen....

As if any of this wasn't stange enough we had pocky every day for breakfast lunch and dinner. He decided to turn Roxy into a bird and put him in a golden cage. He fed all of the animals/ex-lovers pocky too. All of this is very very odd to me....

I told Ax about this dream this morning and he laughed saying it was funny. He was gonna tell Roxy about it, and I think Roxy will crack up too.

Ah grooming and Life experiences

What grooming that you do makes you feel totally awesome?

I always have to have clean hair.... Always... I love having my hair be soft and clean all of the time and sometimes I have to take a shower more than once a day. But that's only when I use gel in my hair to spike it or something.....


What's an interesting "first" story in your life?

For me. I can't really my "first" anything... But my first experience actually painting a serious project.... It was the first time I had really ever experienced anything like it. Of course I wound up getting covered in different colors, but it turned out being really nice.

Sigh

Meetings today.... Interesting really. I began talking with one of the social workers here. I do feel a little better, but we will see if this as any positive effect on me. If it doesn't, my mother has decided that she will go get me actual counseling and maybe medication.

I was talking to Maxie last night and the reality of him coming down is starting to get us both excited. Oh! I got my friend Axel's number. I was talking to him last night. He sounds cute. He looks cute. I got a picture of him last night too. He is cute. Not as cute as my Maxie though..... I have decided to put some pictures up. One of Max one of Thesty... Just because they are so cute! >.<

<----Maxie Thesty----->

Ah yes.... the people fighting for my attention..... Tee hee.... I don't like that picture of Maxie... The one on the side of the profile is better.

Anyways. I don't really have anything else to say so yeah.....

Weekend stuffs

Okay so this weekend was pretty okay I guess. I was kinda bored but kinda having fun at the same time. I spent the night with a few friends and got attacked by kitty's!!!! I love kitty's. They is cute! So.... My half boyfriend I suppose is trying really hard to get my attention. I told Max about it and he laughed and said it was cute....

First off. You have to understand that me and Max have a very open relationship. He has dated other people, as have I, and we understand that. We have still made it nearly 5 1/2 months already.

But if anyone remembers from my previous blogs I continually mentioned someone by the name of Thest. Well.... He kinda likes me, and I kinda like him. I told Max about it and he's all for it actually. He says it's good for me and that he doesn't care so long as Thest doesn't come between us. And Thest says he will try to make me happy, though he would never take me away from Max.... Ugh... boys....

ANYWAYS!!!!

Over the weekend Thesty finally txtec me after being MIA for a few days. But he's Thesty and he does that. Well he really wanted to talk to me, and I couldn't because I had no minutes. Mind you this is like... 2:30 in the morning on the Thursday/Friday border. He seemed rather disappointed when I couldn't talk. That's when he told me why he was gone for the past few days.

You see, He's in a band. They had a gig so they had to practice.... Well... Appearently he had played his guitar and sang a song, of which he dedicated to me. And the reason he wanted to talk to me so much is because he wanted to play it for me.... I told Max and he thought it was cute....

Honestly I think Thest is trying harder than Max sometimes, and he's not even sure if he wants anything more than a friendship.... sigh.... Boys are so strange sometimes..... I digress.

I just realized that I don't6 call either of them by their real names.... Max's name isn't really Max. And Thest's name isn't really Thest... Both are online names.... Lol but they don't call me by mine either. I'm either Kaz or Hari... Lol.

That's okay I guess. Anyways, yesterday was mother's day and my mother let me sleep in til nearly 1pm because I was tired. But I woke up and made pancakes for her for breakfast like she wanted. I do feel kinda sick today though... I couldn't help it... The bacon smelled nummy..... >.< I'm allergic to ham and bacon you see.... But I hadn't had it since I developed this allergy a few months ago.... It sucks....

I was pretty much in my room playing guitar hero all day yesterday though because my mom was cleaning the living room carpet as a gift to my grandma. And man did they need it.... My dog Zeus has a sore on his nose, where we think he got stung by a bee or something... But it doesn't seem to bug him so he must be okay.

My friend Niknak, also online name, had her birthday over the weekend. And as a present she got two little black ducklings! So cute!!!

Me and Max have been discussing him coming down here on the 29th for our six month anniversary, he wants to come to school with me but I don't know if it would be allowed as he would only ever be coming for that one day... He's graduating and going to Virginia tech this year..... If it isn't allowed I'm getting permission from my mother to take the day off if my grades are good. She won't let me not spend the day with him, and I wouldn't give up the only opportunity to see him until next year.... Ever. But hopefully that won't be a problem.... If it is well... I won't be here that day. If his mother lets him come. She better....

Anyways that's about all I guess for now...

Oh yeah, my project might be late because the google search thing isn't working today.... It worked on Friday... but that was it, and I don't have internet at home....

My lacking....

I have been slacking off about blogging I suppose, as I don't do it as much as I used to. I guess that maybe it's because I don't have internet access at home anymore? I dunno. But I only am online for a total of around 2 hours a day, which is odd for someone who is used to being on all day... I used to be on for close to 9 hours a day. Why? Because I have nowhere to go. I am stuck in the house all day with nothing to do... now I sit playing video games all day, though I hope this changes very soon because it's getting to be nice outside and I want to be out!! I need to get a bike....

Anywho! Yesterday as I was just about to get off of the bus it started hailing! Hail!!! Of all things! I walked maybe a block and was completely soaked as I got onto the bus.... The sad thing is? It stopped like maybe 5 minutes later. The whole thing probably lasted around 10 minutes and I swear the downtown St. Paul area was in the center of a flash flood. It was really odd. It made me realize that if I wouldn't have had my laptop, cell phone and mp3 player I would have been splashing around in those puddles and dancing in that rain. Why do people not enjoy those simple things anymore?

I was reading over the comments of my blog and Yes Aerin, I know that if I stopped putting on that mask everyday that I would be given the help I so dewsperately need, but when I do remove it, people think that it's just mood swings, and just being a teenager. No one truly knows. Well... Except you, Kyra, Max... Hell my old friends... I miss them so much... I miss home....

This place... As amazing as it is... It's not my home. These aren't my friends... these aren't my teachers... this is not my school... this is not my home... Not my sky, not my grass, not my lake... Nothing is mine. Hell the bed in my room, the tv the dresser, the walls... None of it is mine. None of this belongs to me. I want to go home....

I want nothing more than to see my friends once more... The ones that care so much about me... Mimi, Kari... I miss you both more than you could ever imagine.

Kari is on the left Mimi is on the right.... They took this picture for me about a week or so after I moved. They sent it to me via picture message with their voices saying they missed me. I wanted so much just to steal a car and return to my home. But no. I have to be strong. I have to stay here. I miss my life. I gave up my job, my school, my friends. Hell I even gave up most of my possessions, ditching all but one box of things when I moved into my grandparent's house.

Don't get me wrong. I have some friends down here... But they are not as much as these people... People I have known for a long time... 5 years... For me that's a long time... I think I know why I can't remember anything before those years of living in Big Lake. I was skipping around... Had been to so many different schools, and that was the first one that I was in for more than a year.... Maybe that's why it was so hard to move... I had finally let myself into their lives... Finally got to be a part of the community.... Was I happier there. Definitely. I had a job, I was on track to graduate, granted I was bored with school, but I'm still bored with school. It's not challenging enough, so I do skip some days, just so I will have a challenge to catch up. But a few days later and I'm still one of the best students in the class....

I let the ice that had hardened me completely melt away... And now? It's returning. I feel a breakdown in the midst, but dare I show my weakness to others? Of course not. Inside I am dying, but I swallow it and put a smile on my face and walk out of the room proudly. If anyone knew my secret, my weakness, would they care?

How many of my old friends had let me just break? How many of them expressed concern for me when I talked of just ending it...? How many times had I asked the questions, "would anyone care, would anyone notice?"

No. All of these things are hidden deep within me. Why? Because if they came out my family would push me away more. No one would get me counseling. If they did I wouldn't express it to them either. I am a loner. I will always be a loner. I express my true self to Max. He understands me. He lets me cry. But a true and complete breakdown is something I have not suffered in a long time... I can almost guarentee that I will not be here the coming Monday. Why? Because I doubt I will make it through this week, but my grandmother is home so I can't just stay home and sleep the day away. I will wait patiently... Wait patiently for that wall in my mind to finally break into oblivion.....

Flikr Project thing

Well I'm kinda lost, and I'm stuck between the places I want to visit. I have narrowed it down to three choices, but for someone who wants to travel the world this project is actually pretty hard. There are so many places I want to see!!!

Umm.... I have narrowed it down to Japan, Russia, and Egypt... Now I'm doing research on all three, though I think I will most likely choose Japan, the other two are still very good opportunities..... In the meantime I am going off to make a flikr account....

Dreams

What do you dream about? How do you interpret those dreams? Or, how do you tackle insomnia and sleepless nights?

I recently haven't been dreaming about anything. I think it's because I'm such a light sleeper that I don't dream as often. The last time I had a dream I think it was about a few of my friends and I trying to fight off a giant cat.... I can't really remember... Insomnia and sleepless nights visit me often, and I usually just watch a movie or play video games or read a book until I finally pass out. That or I sit and talk on my phone to my boyfriend who can usually get me to fall asleep.

Movie Rflections

This movie was indeed interesting... It gave insight to a family more psychotic than my own, which I thought was rather interesting in itself.... I had a hard time trying to follow it though, maybe I just need to watch it all the way through without a day in between? Who knows. Anyways All in all it was a pretty good movie, one of the types that makes you think and wonder about why people do the things they do.

Make-up and Marriage

Make-up is something that most women bury themselves under, but for people like me I don't see why everyone bothers. I guess it's because I see the inner beauty of people. I don't seem to ever bother with something like make-up. It's a pointless angonizing process....

Now marriage on the other hand...

I want to get married, and by all means am practically engaged. We have discussed marriage and our life together in the future. But we want to finish out school first. It will be years before we are together in marriage. But I think marriage is something that is just that. I don't really see how it can cause anything but pain. If you are happy with someone, that's what matters right? Marriage is just a front. People think, "Oh I'm Married" so? You are still a person, you still have choices. If you make the wrong ones, either if you're married or not there will still be bad consequences.

Tribute to My Koishii

This is something he wrote... I just felt like putting it up here and I am trying to write something off of it.

"One More Chance to Be Inspired
You're talking about leaving
It's right about Christmas time
Thinking about moving on
I think I might die inside

I'm thinking about years gone by
I'm thinking about church at midnight
I'm thinking about letting go
I think that might finally be alright

But this is where we shine

Silver bells and open fire
And songs we used to sing
One more chance to be inspired
Is what I'm offering if love is not enough
Then stay with me because
The heartache can wait

It's not about hanging on
It's making my deal with God
If I could call one last truce
We've given it all we've got

Then I'm gonna catch my breath
And make it a long December
If we've got nothing left
This could be worth remembering
With a smile upon my face" - Maxel


It is not meant for me really. But it makes me think so I will write a response to it.

"Snow flies through the night
And I am beginning to lose the sight
The sight of all we had
The sight of all we are

I talk about leaving, but you must have heard me wrong
I want to leave for warmer days
Places where the sun is always shining
And places where we can be alone

My love for you will never fail
My love for you is always true
My love for you may have faltered
But my love for you will see us through

Christmas night is here again
And I fear my gift is not enough
I have nothing to give you
Except my wounded heart

You doubted me
I doubted you
Our doubt in each other
Will be enough to see us through

You look at me with sadness
As I enter the room with nothing
You hold out a tiny box
But I have no reason to accept it

You sigh as I reject your gift
You ask me if you are not good enough for me
My heart clenches in pain
I wrap my arms around you and kiss your cheek

You question my behavior
I respond with a smile
I tell you I love you
And for you that seems good enough" -Kaz

Weekend Activities: Plotting Murder

Ah the weekend is over and once more I feel utterly exhausted. Though It is the fault of both me and my boyfriend... I couldn't leave him. He needed me to be there for him. More than anything. So I stayed up until 2:30 am comforting him. You see, I'm not really allowed to tell anyone, and I will honor his wish, only because I cannot do anything to help him from this far away. But I swear I will kill that bastard... Not Maxie. His damn brother. The son of a bitch I despise. I will murder him. I will I swear. Or at least maim him enough to throw him into a coma that he will never wake up from. I will make it look like an accident. Make it self inflicted.... He doesn't deserve to die I guess... That would be too kind.... He deserves to suffer, and he will. But of course my Koishii may never know of this... He knows I despise this man, no, not a man... not even a tiny speck of dust. More like a damn waste of existance. I will hospitalize that son of a bitch. I swear it.... No one can get away with doing something like that. And I hope karma comes back and bites him hard in the ass....

Weird @$$ movie....

Polishing quarters. I like shiny things too but damn kid... That's kinda weird. You don't need to polish quarters in order to be special and famous.

Ooh she got rejected.... That's kinda sad. I'm still trying to figure out what this movie is about....

sad... that poor poetry girl. She just got pwned! I don't like her voice. Too squeaky. Ah Men. The end of everything!!! Heh.

Yeah this woman is overreacting and over dramatic. Ouch. Musta hurt when he hit his head.

Yeah I suck at movie things... I can't type about movies. I'm really bad at it. Poor kid is getting dragged into all of the drama. My family is kinda like that. My mom he Borderline disorder but won't go get help. So she's always dramatic.

Who is this old guy? Seems like a bit of a pervert to me. The poor kid. Is that a lie detector? oh... it's a recorder thing. That's something she shouldn't have... Somebody like her shouldn't get on tape.

Hah! Medication!!! The tiny little pill to solve all of mankinds problems!!!! Heh. Counseling! i hate counselors... And yet... I plan on marrying a future psychologist.... What the hell is wrong with me? Heheheh Narcissism.... That poor guy. Probably just a normal guy dragged into too much drama. Seems a little like my own parents. That poor kid... He's so stuck in all of this.... Oh wow. I was right pervert. "That leads to an adjacent room where I masturbate."

Ah the wonder of men... Perverts. I sense incest... ewwwwwww..... wow look at all of those pills....

masturbatorium... heheh

ewww... the color it burns!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Too pink.... Why would anyone want their house to be that color!??

Movie stuff

We are watching the movie "Running with Scissors" Never seen it... Everyone says it's funny. We will see....

So far its about a boy and his mom. It's kinda weird. Ack my pocket is vibrating. Dammit Maxie! >.<>.< This woman scares me. She seems really dramatic. And she seems to have a really odd relationship with her son. She writes poetry and is trying to get into the New Yorker. She seems a bit egotistical. That... Poor...poor...dog....

My mommy loves me!

Last night she went to walmart and was there for almost 4 hours. At least to my knowledge. You seem to lose track of time in that place. Anyways! When she got home she said she had a present for me. Here I was, thinking she had gotten me skullcandy headphones, but no. I got the Gumy ones, which is fine. I like them. But she pulled out the First Death Note Live Action Film!!!! I screeched happily in the kitchen. On top of that, she got me headphones, which I had desperately needed. And she got me more minutes for my cell phone! Oh and a big pack of gum! Yeah.... So I am happy now. And I am feeling much better today than I did yesterday. I went home early, like right as lunch was ending, and I fell asleep at around 1. I slept til 6 or so. So yeah. Much better now. I still feel tired, but no more tired than usual. Anyways that was my update!

News

Well... I managed to finally talk to Maxie yesterday and we aren't fighting anymore... That's good at least. I am still being an insomniac and I'm starting to get sick because of it... Right now my entire body is starting to go numb and I'm starting to drift off. I hope my mom comes and gets me like I asked her to...

I'm having a bit of trouble thinking. And it's because since Friday I've gotten maybe 12 hours of sleep.... 12 hours in 6 days. Oh yeah that like... 2 hours a night.... That's really bad. I'm starting to wonder why I'm even here today... Oh yeah... My absenses. I have too many of them already. I need to make them up as soon as I can, and I will once I get better... But this is getting ridiculous... My lack of sleep is messing with me more than anything else usually would... I need to sleep.... I know I do because I've heard from 4 people today that I need to go home. I'm too pale... Honestly I'm starting to feel sick from lack of it... I have no energy and my head hurts...

But then again... I'm a teenager, and maybe I just complain too much... According to my grandmother that's all it is. I don't have a lack of sleep.... Just like I don't have depression or other things. I must be perfectly happy... I must be perfectly healthy... I haven't been sick it's all in my head... I'm just not sleeping because I'm not active enough during the day.

Well ya know what? I'm no less active than I have been in the past 4 months... And I was sleeping fine.... Just like I have shrunk 4 inches from "Lack of excersize" I'm also not sleeping now from "Lack of excersize" Guess I need more excersize...

Okay now I am seriously rambling. Sleepy thoughts... Not good for me. Z.Z Nappy time.

Post Secret

What do you think every day, but never say to other people?

I really don't think much that I don't say. I do tell people what I think, because I think if something crosses my mind about someone or something. I say it. Even if it's completely random....

Like...



Oh yeah. That's the beauty of random thoughts. But the postsecret site is actually a pretty good idea I think. There is a humorous site kinda like it. icanhascheezburger.com lol cats and dogs are the best.

30 posts and some news

This is my 30th post on this blog... Which symbolizes that I have no life other than my computer really. Ah the love of technology.

Anyways... It's me and Max's 5 month anniversary today... This is a big deal to me and the stupid bastard is being a selfish baby! We got into an argument on Friday about his attitude and how I wasn't going to take it. There was no reason for him to be so damn snappy with me in the first place, even after I was being nice and let him go on a date with someone else. We have an open relationship, but when it came time for me to ask him if I could go out with someone who I will never see because this person lives in Pennsylvania, He got crabby with me and was being stupid about it all. I told him that if he was going to continue his behavior not to talk to me. We didn't speak much for the rest of the weekend. I called on Sunday to see if he wanted to talk and the bastard had turned his damn phone off!

I have left voicemail messages and text messages but he won't respond. He hasn't turned his phone back on at all. It's really starting to piss me off and I am about ready to leave him a message saying that if he doesn't call me back I'm not going to just sit around and wait for his ass. I'm done playing his damn game.

Don't get me wrong... I love the kid more than anything on this planet... But I'm worried about him... I'm starting to think that he doesn't care as much as he used to... That he doesn't want to be committed to me any longer... I miss him... I miss his voice, his laughter... Hell I even miss his angered tone...I don't care if he's screaming at me... I just want to talk to him... So much for a happy fucking anniversary....

Beauty pictures belated

This is a picture I took as an assignment, but I thought that the frosted grass in the morning sunlight was one of the best kinds of natural beauty.

This is just a picture I thought was pretty. I know it has really dark meaning, but the colors really work well.

Not much to say. Zero is amazing and the art of the entire vampire knight series is so amazing as well.

Akito from Air gear is one of my cutest subjects. I didn't draw this picture, but it is one of my favorites of him.
This is a picture of the mirror on my dad's truck I took with my cell phone last September. The colors of the sunset amaze me.


Motorcycles... Some of the most amazingly beautiful things on the planet to me. Even the sound is amazing.
This picture is just beautiful. I love the natural purple/blue color of the mountains.

Life in progress

So, for today, I'd like you to write about someone that you know and care about in life (could even be you) whose life is still in process, but they perhaps have made PROGRESS.

I have a friend. His name is Kyrarei odd name I know. We call him Kyra. He's amazing. He's changed so much for the better. But to get to know why I would type about him, you first have to understand my relationship to him

My friend Aerin was found by him when he was 16. But I'm not talking about Aerin right now, maybe later, because I often type things about him just not on here. Anyways. Kyra introduced him to many things, most of which illegal.

Kyrarei was still in his sophomore year of high school at 17 and wasn't going to do any better. He was lazy and was one of those kids that never showed up to class, never turned in his homework and would always disobey the school dress code. He was a rebel through and through. He smoked, he had as many girls as he wanted, and got into fights. He dropped out later that year. School was too easy for him. He got his GED 6 months later with excellent marks.

Kyra was not stupid, but his behavior and actions were. He was a thief, and still kind of is. After he dropped out, he was caught doing heroin. He was arrested, but they didn't have enough to hold him. Kyra had tried everything at least once. Acid, Heroin, Cocaine, Ecstasy, Weed. You name it he did it. He soon grew quickly addicted. He was always high and always in need of a fix. One day, he realized what he was doing. It just kinda... Clicked. He quit everything, but his withdrawl symptoms were so horrible he was put in the hospital where they shot him up and slowly weaned him off of it.

He was a lot better after stopping the srugs, but the alcohol and the women remained. And soon, he became abusive to Aerin, who was still very sensitive about things. Kyra was an avid street racer and would often get arrested for reckless driving and such. Soon enough, Aerin removed his supply of alcohol and limited it to two bottles of vodka a week instead of two bottles an hour. He didn't know how to handle that and became quite abusive again.

Soon though, the change in him began. Aerin threatened to turn him in and leave him. That seemed to bring him back down to reality and he calmed his behavior a bit. He helped Aerin graduate from High school with Honors. From there, he began to look at colleges and once more got a job. The two of them moved from California to Minnesota. They got a nice apartment and both of them succeeded in getting jobs. aerin began looking at colleges, though he didn't want to start in one.

Kyra always had the dream to become an art teacher. He and Aerin got engaged and he stopped womanizing, his drinking has nearly diminished. He has been accepted to a private art school. He is doing very wewll. The two of them are getting a house and are plannign to get married in a few years. They are moving to North Carolina when Kyra is done with school. He's doing much much better and barely ever even smokes weed anymore.

Lyrics- Resonance

This is more for my own use than for anyone elses. I collect Lyrics and don't have these yet lol.

Original Japanese

Tsunaida tamashii no hi ga mune wo sasu nara
Kotoba yori motto tsuyoi hibiki ga ima kikoeru ka

Roku ni me mo awasazu unmei ni made karandeku
Yukisaki moro kabutteru kuenai yoru wo hashire

Fukaoi shi sugita mabushisa ga
Warui yume ni tsuzuite mo

Tsunaida tamashii no hi ga mune wo sasu nara
Kotoba yori motto tsuyoi hibiki ga ima kikoeru ka

Deatta wake wa dou datte ii hikitsukerarete
Fureta shunkan no kizu no bun dake tashika ni nareru

Uso mo gisou mo aru yoreta sekai wo keritsukete
Morotomo bukkowareso na muchuu no hate ga mitai

Hitori ni shinai to tsukamu te wa
Yasashisa kara toosugite

Subete wo yakusoku dekiru asu wa nai kara
Kinou yori chotto mashi na kizuna wo shinjite miyou ka

Tsunaida tamashii no hi ga mune wo sasu nara
Kotoba yori motto tsuyoi hibiki ga ima kikoeru ka

Deatta wake wa dou datte ii hikitsukerarete
Fureta shunkan no kizu no bun dake tashika ni nareru

English Lyrics

Translation Resonance

If the lamplight of connected souls points toward your heart Can you hear a resonance stronger than words now? Our eyes barely even meet, but our fates are intertwined Our destinations are exactly the same, so run through the unbearable night alongside me Even if the radiance that we chased too far Continues into bad dreams If the lamplight of connected souls points toward your heart Can you hear a resonance stronger than words now? I don't care about the reason for why we met, but by the number of wounds Of when we are entranced by and touch each other, it can become certain Kick away the twisted world where lies and disguises exist I want to see the end of various fascinations that seem fragile The arm grasping me, saying, "I won't leave you alone" Is too far away from kindness Because there's no tomorrow that can promise everything Won't you try believing in a bond slightly better than yesterday's? If the lamplight of connected souls points toward your heart Can you hear a resonance stronger than words now? I don't care about the reason for why we met, but by the number of wounds Of when we are entranced by and touch each other, it can become certain

Always a good song. And another that represents me so this post I guess serves double purpose.

Misc. Note

I have no internet at home anymore so all of the typing I need to do on here will be done here. At school.... I miss having internet on my laptop at home. I really miss being able to do everything. Posting... uploading my pictures. but I did finally get a decent flash drive. Thank god for that! I am going to be uploading all... I mean like literally all 6000 some odd pictures on to it lol.

Excited

Omg! I want it to be tomorrow!!!! >.< 5 whole months!!! 5!!! That's amazing for me really. It really truly is... I just wish the stupid brat would answer his damn phone! Arg! I hate him sometimes... I miss him so much. I want to talk to him but he's being stupid because of a tiny argument that didn't even have anything to do with me... well. I suppose in a way it did. But still... It wasn't my fault. And I want him to know that I'm sorry. But he's being stupid and won't turn his phone back on. I need to talk to him. It's not just a wish anymore.

Tomorrow symbolizes 5 months of me and my Maxie being together... For both of us that seems to be a long time. I only ever have had relationships last for 3 months, which is about normal for him as well, but he's had one's in the years stage. Both of us hope to spend our lives together.... But he needs to answer his phone so I can wish him a happy anniversary but he won't answer.... I miss him.... I'll type more about this tomorrow...

Music

For me, music is one of the most important things out there. I am to used to having headphones in my ears that i can't feel them there and most people have to remind me that they're there when they are talking to me or when I got to a restaurant or movie.

There are certain songs that I listen to all of the time, and certain songs that I think represent me as a person, and my music changes all of the time, but if I was to put it on here, well... There would be about 200 hours or so of it...

At the moment. The song "Nervous Breakdown" that I previously posted the lyrics to is my favorite and most represents me. More or less that song and the song "Call and Return" by Hellogoodbye represent me and my yearning for my Aijin, Max. There are more. But yeah. Those two just stick out the most.

I was in choir for at least the past 6 years before I moved here. I do miss it, and I miss my amazing choir teacher Mr. Fiskum. He was awesome and hilarious. Every time I hear one of the songs we may have sang in Choir, I remember the good times I had. I love to sing, but I am very nervous about doing so in front of people I don't know. Even in front of people I do know most of the time, unless I have headphones on and don't even realize I'm singing until someone tells me to be quiet. That's so embarrassing....

What beauty is to me

What is beautiful to you? Who is beautiful to you? What does beautiful sound, smell and taste like? Do you believe in inner beauty? Do you believe a person becomes more beautiful with time and why?


Beautiful. Now that's a word. To me, beauty is the natural things in the world. Sunsets, the ocean, summer time, friendship, love. All of these things are beautiful. But in relation to human beauty, I still believe that natural is best. People who cover themselves in make-up, get cosmetic surgery. That bothers me. People are supposed to be imperfect. It's just what we are.

Beautiful.My Maxie is beautiful to me. He has a very kind soul and heart. I do only see the inner beauty in people, and maybe that's why I get so confused when people look at me strangely. You can never see yourself as other people do. And I am only able to see what people look like on the inside. I am different that way. I have met some people that are drop dead gorgeous on the outside, but I didn't see it, and thought they were the ugliest people on the planet. Why? Because they were cruel, unaccepting,and arrogant of the culture around them.

As you get to know someone, they get to be more beautiful, you get to know their personality more. To me, that's what makes a persona beautiful. Personality, spirit, heart and mind. I could care less what they look like. They will always be beautiful.

Ha!

I have a killer headache. Probably the little devil child.... He is a demon I swear.... Here i can prove it. See? Just look at that. That is him on a 24/7 basis. Yes. He does that all the time... Guess how old he is?

Anyways. I finally got to see the house. I like it, though it needs to be painted. 3 bedrooms. but I have the entire basement to myself for now.

Like the music I added? I'm so proud of myself for it. It's TMRevolution and Abingdon Schools boys. Both of which have the same lead singer, Takanori Nishikawa. He is amazing. Anyways. I listen to this stuff on a daily basis and figured it should be added as a part of me.

Wiki

The teenager book. I like that idea. I made my first post to it now... And it's one of those things that just came out of nothing. One of those things that when I read through it I wonder about how I need to take my own advice. One of those things.... I have no idea what part of my brain it came from. I have no idea how long it's been there, just waiting for the opportunity to arise where it could escape... I know many people need these words. Many people need to hear how to learn about a teenager. But they don't ask the teenagers... They ask, get this, other adults, doctors, psychiatrists, psycologists, adults. Why not turn and ask the Teenagers their own opinions? We have that right don't we? We have the ability to think on our own don't we? Sometimes I think that the adults would be so much better off if they would listen to us....

Extra credit article

Are you Kidding me? Strip searching a 13, CATCH THAT? 13!!!! Year old. GIRL none the less. That is ridiculous! Absolutely ridiculous! I can understand that having prescription meds with you is a bad idea in whatever case, But I myself most of the time carry ibuprofen with me. You know why? I have to. Hell they are lucky it's not friggin vicadin! I am strongly against the fact that they would have someone strip search a 13 year old, or anybody for that matter, in a school! That is utterly inappropriate. Hell. If the girl had the ibuprofen on her, it would have made a noise. Pills in a bottle, or any container make a noise. Just listen hard enough for the noise people.

It's utterly insane and immoral. I barely agree with the metal detectors in school! What ever happened to the time, like... not long ago cuz my dad did this and he went to school in the 70's and 80's, the kids had pocket knives. Get that? Pocket knives!Butterfly knives, switchblades. Hell they made shuriken in metal shop! They made swords, throwing knives, hell they could have guns in their car if they were going hunting after school! If there was a problem between kids they were allowed to fight it out! Not take it to a counselor or the principal. No. Someone said something wrong, you punched them. End of story there.

I'm not saying that that is the right thing to do. But the restrictions on schools is so utterly ridiculous now. I know someone who was expelled. Yeah. EXPELLED from school because some freshman told the principal he was making a bomb just to get back at him for calling him a name he didn't like. They had no proof he was making a bomb, but because of that he was expelled. He had to be homeschooled because there was only one school in that area. Now that is just as stupid as this case here.

So she has prescription strength medication, ever thought she might need it? Girls have the wonderful thing of menstral cramping. I need something a lot stronger than ibuprofen... morphiene vicadin, trazodine. Oh yeah. I miss school because of that shit. But if I really think I'm gonna need it, I bring it with. Screw what the schools think is right. If I need it, it needs to be right there in my pocket so I can take it before the pain starts, rather than after I am unable to move.

This girl was most likely completely humiliated, as most girls that age are extremely shy of their changing bodies. And they had no right to expose her like that. None. A young human mind is one of the most unstable things on the planet, especially when they are pubescent. I am sorry but I don't think that this is a good way to accomplish anything other than humiliation. If she was unstable, I just hope she can pick herself and her humility back up before she thinks of suicide, because many people I know would choose that over being humiliated like that again...

Ahh the power of smell....

What are the scents in your life that are powerful? Why? What are the scents in your life?

To me, scent makes a person. Everyone has their own unique scent that makes them who they are, even if they don't realize it. No. I am not talking about body odor... Yech. I mean a different scent. For people who smoke, it's always covered by that, and I can't stand that. I have a very sensitive sense of smell, and every time I hug someone, I take in their scent, much like a dog would. Though my sense of smell is no where near as powerful as a dog's is, it's still stronger than most.

I know some people that to me, either smell like mint, bubblegum, flowers, even something that smells like Axe Phoenix, despite the fact that he never uses cologne. To me, the strongest scents are the ones from garlic and such, but the strong smell of garlic or onions or something like that makes my nose burn. As does toothpaste on most occasion.

The most intruiging scent to me is that of spearmint, either pure or in gum form. It has a sweet yet spicy scent that is damn near intoxicating. Also, the scent of jut the people I care for. My grandmother has a sweet scent to her, though it may be the perfume, I recognize it immediately, where as my grandfather smells of the sweet cigars he always smokes. I have a slightly fiery scent, mostly when I've been outside, I start to smell like I've been by a bonfire.

That's another thing that smells wonderful. Fire. Smoke. Not like cigarette smoke, but the smoke from and outdoor bonfire. Also the smell of the forest, or a river, or a waterfall. Even the smell of fresh leaves on a tree. Rain and freshly cut grass. All of these scents are powerful to me. And I cherish the ability to be able to smell them. Though being in the city where it is more polluted makes such things harder. To me, rain used to smell like exactly what it was. Rain. Water on grass, water on skin. Now it smells like oil, gasoline... Cars. I hate the smell of cars. I always have to have a window open, even if it is below zero. It has to be cracked or I get sick really easily.

It's not motion sickness, but the smell of being in a car... Feels like I'm being strangled. I'm so glad that it's finally warm enough to have my window open again.....

Lyrics to my newest Favorite

Tell me why, you never gonna take the ride,
Don't know why, you never gonna stay in sight,
I just wanna know what the hell is goin' down

What can I do to make you feel right,
What kinda fool if I make you cry,
Give me a break!
You'd better change your stupid ways,
Before I go away

I just wanna hold you tight,
I just wanna feel your sigh,
Wanna be with you tonight,
So baby, don't let me down
I know how to satisfy,
I know you want me tonight,
Never show me what's inside,
You cause my nervous breakdown…

Time is right, I'm gonna get you playin' high,
It's alright, I'm gonna get you shinin' bright,
Really wanna know what the hell you're feelin' now

What can I do to make you feel right,
What kinda fool if I make you cry,
Give me a break!
You'd better change your stupid ways,
Before I FADE away

I just wanna treat you right,
I just wanna see your eyes,
Wanna kiss you through the night,
So baby, don't let me down
I know how to satisfy,
I know you want me tonight,
Never show me what's inside,
You cause my nervous breakdown…

You drive me crazy,
Soon I will make you down…

Tell me why, you never gonna take the ride,
Don't know why, you never gonna stay in sight,
Give me a break!
You'd better change your stupid ways,
Before I go away

I just wanna hold you tight,
I just wanna feel your sigh,
Wanna be with you tonight,
So baby, don't let me down
I just wanna treat you right,
I just wanna see your eyes,
Wanna kiss you through the night,
I know how to satisfy,
I know you want me tonight,
Never show me what's inside,
You cause my nervous breakdown…

Nervous Breakdown- Abingdon School Boys.


This is amazing. This is a Japanese band and the entire song is literally in English! And it actually sounds amazing too! Look it up if you don't believe me.

Earth Day

So, let's hear it, in what ways are you an eco-friendly person? How is your life a little bit green? How important to you are issues related to global warming, pollution, recycling and the like?

Ironically enough it's my dad's birthday today. And I am usually not a very eco-friendly person, as I am not apt on recycling, but I do it when I can. Global warming, in my mind, is a natural cycle of the earth. Yeah sure, because of pollution and what not we may be speeding up that process, but it is what it is. Nature. It will always be just that. A natural phase of the planet. As for me, my mother works for a recycling company, eco-friendly. I was out helping them today with a garage sale type of thing. As well as some other things. But as for being "eco-friendly" I don't think there is such a thing for someone who spends as much time on the computer as I do.

Sigh

I just realized how screwed I am... I haven't told my mother yet that I am leaving early to go to my dads... I'm leaving on Thursday at around 3, my dad is picking me up here at school because there will be no time to do it on Friday. She will either call the cops on him for a kidnapping charge, again, or call the cops on me for a runaway charge, again... I am 17 years old! I have rights don't I? Especially to my parents! At least that's what you'd think. But no. I "have no rights to him". Why? because he can't afford to pay child support anymore? But yet he provides me with more than she does. He has never failed in getting me something I've wanted. I have steak for dinner everytime I am up there. I have a roof over my head. Is that not support? He gave me my laptop, my first and second mp3 players. Is this not support as well? Besides, the last check she got she used on HER wedding. Like hell I can use that!

She can piss off. I'm going on Thursday with my PARENT! Not some worthless man. but My DAD! That's right. Piss off woman. Let me make my own decesions! He's my parent too!

Something to do

Alas... I sit here... Bored.... Well alright, not really bored seeing as how I just added a whole bunch of stuff to the side of my blog thingy....... over there. Yeah that's right. Follow the arrow. ---------->

Anyways. I dunno. I customized it a little with stuff that's important to me. My dog, My Aijin, and of course astronomy pictures. And my link list is now home to two of the most important websites to me.

Check them out. They are amazing.

Oh! my mom got home from Arizona yesterday and I got an awesome ring! It's surgical stainless steel! Amazingly awesome. I have no idea what else to type about really. I have two different colored headphones at the moment because they are both missing the opposite headphone so I am using a splitter lol. I dunno. Bored. I want to go onto my site and post...... Like really bad.... I want to talk to my Aijin... But his phone might be off....like... literally. his grandmother didn;t pay the bill even though he gave her the money to... And his computer is broken. He fried his motherboard. How the hell he did that no one knows....

I want ramen... or caffiene... or both... Almost lunch time so yeah i will get those... But i still realy want to go post!! >.< Arg... Thesty needs to reply!!! Oh yeah, I got Thesty's and roxy' phone numbers. I am the best. Oh yeah! My texting buddehs!!!

Earliest Memories

So, what was your first childhood memory? Separating your current feelings about your parents from that time of your life, what do you recall about your parents from that time of life?

I have a horrible memory... I mean that. it's very hard for me to remember anything from my childhood. maybe it's because my childhood was not one filled with happiness. My parents were only together since I was around 2 or 3... It was hard for both of them. Lots of court, lots of separation, lots of things that are better not to talk about.

The only thing I really remember from my childhood only comes in chunks and pieces. I can remember my kitten when I first got him. He was just that, a kitten, he was a stray that continually got into the window of my apartment, so one day, we kept him. We named him Merlin because he kept getting into the window no matter how many times we redid the screens. I remember the night he ran up into a car engine. he hated the water and both me and my mom got completely scratched up when we tried to bathe him to get the oil off.

With my dad, I remember we went to California for my golden birthday, though I only remember parts of it. There was a beach with black sand, which was weird. I remember there was a man completely painted silver, and he didn't move. I thought he was a statue, until I went up and poked him. He jumped and I ran back to my dad crying. I remember we went to a seafood restaurant. The one thing I remember from that trip though is that we all got sick. We were staying with my aunt and uncle and my aunt gave us all food poisoning, but she didn't eat any.

Other than that, I really don't remember much from my childhood until I was like... 11 or 12 or so. Maybe something bad happened and I've blocked it out, but I really can't remember. My parents fought a lot then, and I rarely got to see my dad. I'm making up for that now, or trying to...

My Weekend

Okay! i haven't yet posted anything about what has happened over my weekend. Well, I got my friend Devin over and she brought her xbox 360 and resident evil 5, which had not yet been opened because someone ruined her previous disk and she had to go get a new one. But still.... R...E....5!!!!!!! I am, among other things, a Resident Evil fanatic! My boyfriend has threatened to take my RE4 and break it into a million pieces, burn it, then scatter it's ashes across the universe. I told him he'd have to buy me a new one if he did that cuz I would be sad.... He was easily defeated in that argument.

Anyways! I succeeded in beating that game in 2 days, without a partner, as anyone who knows RE5 knows you can do a co-op throughout the whole game and if you don't the computer player is like.... stupid...

So! I was really proud of myself. Also! I won't be in school on Wednesday or Friday this week because of some things I have to do. On Thursday I'm going up to St.Cloud to help my dad move to the new house. They get to start moving stuff in on Friday.

AND IN CASE MY MOTHER READS THIS!!!! I HAVE JUST AS MANY RIGHTS TO HIM AS EITHER OF YOU HAVE TO ME END OF STORY!

Sorry. Random outburst. Me and my mother argue a lot lately now. And it's always over stupid stuff. I'm 17 and she acts like I'm 2 or something. She needs to let me leave the house sometimes.

Oh well. I had a nice weekend, though my little brother "aka devil boy" was being a pain in the ass. And only because we threw the can of, get this alright, bugs. I mean, ants, worms, caterpillars, magots... BUGS! Ew >.< Well anyways me and devin threw it out of the car and he started throwing a fit becaue he wanted them. Too bad! No bugs in the car!

Other than that whole thing and being woken up at 6 that morning by him... thanks you brat... And no. He is 10, not 4... though he acts like it. No... scratch that. I swear the kid is mentally 2.

Oh yeah! i managed to find my friend's digital camera, so I have that now too seeing as how she said that she was giving up on guessing what it was that she was missing. I'll give it back to her the next time I see her, maybe.

UPDATE! I need new headphones, as I have worn through 5 pairs in the past like... 2 months.... Oh! And I have unlimited texting again!!! YAY!!! Go me!

The beginning question

Questions to reflect on: So, with many people blogging about their loved ones, dates and the like, I'd like to hear from each of you what your ideal date would be. What would be the coolest way to be pursued or asked out? What puts you off and what intrigues you?

My ideal date would be something simple really. So long as I get to spend time with him, I could really care less. First, though it's hard, we are yet again trying to convince his mother to let him come down for the weekend before Memorial Day. Our 6 month anniversary is on that weekend and we thought if we were able to share it together then all would be fine.

First, I would have to introduce him to my family, which both of us are dreading, mainly because they will tease us endlessly, but it has to be done. Then we have discussed going to a tiny place for dinner, mainly the restaurant my family owns, but that got thrown off because of a fire they recently had. So we have to find another little Italian joint.

I suppose from there we would go to a movie, I'm hoping for a horror, creepy, slasher film. We had planned to go see "My Bloody Valentine" when it was out, but that plan fell through. After the movie, we plan just to go somewhere and hang out, just to be together. If I get my way we will go to a beach or something, just because we both dream of living by the ocean. I'll have to go home after that, but hopefully he will stay for the whole weekend and I would be able to see him again the next day.

It was rather odd, just the way we went after each other. You see, I met Max on a forum site called Proboards, or rather one of the variations of it that I roleplayed on. In truth I've known him since around August or so, but you see, everyone on the site thought he was a girl, including myself. That was before I started really talking to him. In Novembr he decided to throw some pictures of himself onto the site, and everyone realized he was male. Soon, I got his Yahoo address and we talked on there.

After talking for a day or so, he had been complaining about the cold, wet "random weather state" that he lived in. All of this was in November, and I realized that it had been rather cold and wet for the past few days, but it could be the same in many other states. I asked him where he lived, and he gave me the responce that he lved in Richfield Minnesota. I had to kind of do a double take on that one, and responded that Minnesota was one of the most random weather states in the country. I told him that I lived there too.

I got his phone number and talked to him that night. We had a good time and talked until nearly 5 am, which is sad considering we only make it until around midnight now. The next day I had my friend stop over, and he decided to steal my computer when I was making lunch. He had told Max that I liked him, and he responded with a smile and a fact that he liked me too.

Once my friend went home I called Max again, and we talked for a few hours before I asked if he wanted to go out with me. He said no. I felt a little crestfallen, but listened to his reasoning before I spoke. He said he didn't know me well enough yet, so I had him ask whatever hewanted, and I would answer truthfully. I did the same to him. This carried on for another three hours before he asked me out. I said yes.

You see, Max is one of those unique people, who only looks at people for who they are on the inside. He couldn't care less about how I am, and every time I voice my concern, he laughs and tells me that no matter what he loves me. He said I intruiged him in a way that no one else ever had.

After 3 months he told me about the last girlfriend he had, and that he had planned on asking her to marry him, but that it fell through. I told him that he would find someone better that wouldn't hurt him so much. He laughed lightly and said he'd found that person already, and was just waiting for the right time.

There are things about him that do get me a little pissed off though, but everyone has that happen. Me and him have our arguments, but they are foolish and don't last very long as neither of us can stay mad at each other for very long. For him, it's the whole "I'll call you back when I get home" and then doesn't. It got to the point where I wouldn't call him, and no matter what he did, I wouldn't answer when he would call or text or IM me. I figured I would leave him out the way he did to me.

There is very little about him that I can't stand, the only other flaw is his family. Some of them I completely despise. Mainly his brother. And I don't really like his mom much either, but I have to get used to it, as hopefully someday, they will be my family too.

Many things about my Aijin ((lover in Japanese, yes new word)) intruige me. He can be very egotistical, but in a good way. He knows he's gorgeous, but doesn't rub it in to those that are less than him. Also, despite what he says, he is a little arogant. He has money being in the upper-middle to high class, wehre as I am almost as low class as they come. He doesnt' really act like he's rich, but he is a little arogant on occassion. He is polite and kind-hearted though, andeven sensitive, where most men hide their feelings from their loved ones, he chooses to confide in me.

I know hings about him that no one else does, just as he knows things about me. Though I know there are some things we hide from each other, everyone is entitled to their secrets and I will not press them from him. If he chooses to tell me, then so be it.

No mater how hard we try, we know when the other person is having a bad day, be it angry or sad. We can also sense each other's joy, and anxiety. No one knows me better than he does, just as no one knows him better than me. It has almost been 5 months, and it feels like we've been together for years. We know each other's dreams and visions, and we are so willing to support each other to reach those goals.

My Koishii... My Aijin.... My Maxie....

Aisheteru, Koishii, Aisheteru