I have been slacking off about blogging I suppose, as I don't do it as much as I used to. I guess that maybe it's because I don't have internet access at home anymore? I dunno. But I only am online for a total of around 2 hours a day, which is odd for someone who is used to being on all day... I used to be on for close to 9 hours a day. Why? Because I have nowhere to go. I am stuck in the house all day with nothing to do... now I sit playing video games all day, though I hope this changes very soon because it's getting to be nice outside and I want to be out!! I need to get a bike....
Anywho! Yesterday as I was just about to get off of the bus it started hailing! Hail!!! Of all things! I walked maybe a block and was completely soaked as I got onto the bus.... The sad thing is? It stopped like maybe 5 minutes later. The whole thing probably lasted around 10 minutes and I swear the downtown St. Paul area was in the center of a flash flood. It was really odd. It made me realize that if I wouldn't have had my laptop, cell phone and mp3 player I would have been splashing around in those puddles and dancing in that rain. Why do people not enjoy those simple things anymore?
I was reading over the comments of my blog and Yes Aerin, I know that if I stopped putting on that mask everyday that I would be given the help I so dewsperately need, but when I do remove it, people think that it's just mood swings, and just being a teenager. No one truly knows. Well... Except you, Kyra, Max... Hell my old friends... I miss them so much... I miss home....
This place... As amazing as it is... It's not my home. These aren't my friends... these aren't my teachers... this is not my school... this is not my home... Not my sky, not my grass, not my lake... Nothing is mine. Hell the bed in my room, the tv the dresser, the walls... None of it is mine. None of this belongs to me. I want to go home....
I want nothing more than to see my friends once more... The ones that care so much about me... Mimi, Kari... I miss you both more than you could ever imagine.
Kari is on the left Mimi is on the right.... They took this picture for me about a week or so after I moved. They sent it to me via picture message with their voices saying they missed me. I wanted so much just to steal a car and return to my home. But no. I have to be strong. I have to stay here. I miss my life. I gave up my job, my school, my friends. Hell I even gave up most of my possessions, ditching all but one box of things when I moved into my grandparent's house.
Don't get me wrong. I have some friends down here... But they are not as much as these people... People I have known for a long time... 5 years... For me that's a long time... I think I know why I can't remember anything before those years of living in Big Lake. I was skipping around... Had been to so many different schools, and that was the first one that I was in for more than a year.... Maybe that's why it was so hard to move... I had finally let myself into their lives... Finally got to be a part of the community.... Was I happier there. Definitely. I had a job, I was on track to graduate, granted I was bored with school, but I'm still bored with school. It's not challenging enough, so I do skip some days, just so I will have a challenge to catch up. But a few days later and I'm still one of the best students in the class....
I let the ice that had hardened me completely melt away... And now? It's returning. I feel a breakdown in the midst, but dare I show my weakness to others? Of course not. Inside I am dying, but I swallow it and put a smile on my face and walk out of the room proudly. If anyone knew my secret, my weakness, would they care?
How many of my old friends had let me just break? How many of them expressed concern for me when I talked of just ending it...? How many times had I asked the questions, "would anyone care, would anyone notice?"
No. All of these things are hidden deep within me. Why? Because if they came out my family would push me away more. No one would get me counseling. If they did I wouldn't express it to them either. I am a loner. I will always be a loner. I express my true self to Max. He understands me. He lets me cry. But a true and complete breakdown is something I have not suffered in a long time... I can almost guarentee that I will not be here the coming Monday. Why? Because I doubt I will make it through this week, but my grandmother is home so I can't just stay home and sleep the day away. I will wait patiently... Wait patiently for that wall in my mind to finally break into oblivion.....
Music
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
My lacking....
Posted by Kaz at 9:28 AM
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5 comments:
You know, I shouldn't really be the one telling you anything, but yet again, you are so expressive in your writing and it is true that the poem you wrote as an intended suicide note was cast off as just a poem, So many warning signs you send off, but when asked about it are you ever honest? Do you ever say "you know what? No. I'm not okay."
The thing you need to do, though you know you are depressed, is that you need to admit it. You tell yourself you are, but you don't tells others, you don't show others. So how do you expect to get help? You don't let anyone ever know or ever see. So how can someone that doesn't see it, know it's there? I was the same way. And you know. Kyra has just recently been diagnosed with depression. Kyra, the happiest person on the planet that let everything roll off his back, is depressed. You need just as much help as everyone else, but yet you insist you are strong. If you are as strong as you think, stand up and say it. Tell them that you're not okay. Tell them what your thoughts are. Tell them you need help. Tell them... they will listen...
Dear Kaz,
I think it's so brave of you to open yourself up about such vital things. You express passionately and honestly your disconnect with this new life you are leading and all of the factors in your life seem to shape why you are wary to open yourself up. Do you relish being a loner? Is there safety there? I think you are intelligent and it pains me that your intellect is without challenge. What would awaken your brain and also sustain your heart? How can I help?
To Aerin: I realize the place that you are coming from, being one of the biggest inspirations to everything that I suffer through. I have no reason to complain if I compare myself to the hardships you have endured. I admire your strength in every situation that you seem to face. I do truly admire you and take your words kindly to heart, but I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't. Teach me what you have learned and what you have obtained, though I know that that is impossible, because you have learned how to get through so much more....
To Becky: I am happy that someone shows concern and I am glad that someone realizes that maybe there is indeed something wrong with me. I do not like being a loner, and hate being on my own. I do however appreciate independence, but being a loner and being independent are two very different things. I realize that it is getting hard for me to concentrate and that as of late my grades and my absences are slipping more and more off the deep end. I almost didn't show up today, but again, my grandmother was home and had to make sure I was out of bed. So here I am, despite that I was up until almost 4 am crying... I don't know what to really think about any of this... I really don't. I hate being a burden to other people's emotions and I hate being a burden in general. I only like being a loner because then I never have to face losing people I love... I am truly a very sensitive person, and am very sensitive to other people's emotions. I am lost to most things these days. Nothing I do can engage me. I know I am depressed, and have been in a constant cloud since I have moved down here, but it's not the fault of anyone but me. I haven't decided to open my heart to anyone, and keep my life back in the place I used to live. I seriously considered ditching today... I have never in my life considered anything like this. I love school. I love learning... But something finally snapped and I am changing into something I don't want to be....
To Aerin: I realize the place that you are coming from, being one of the biggest inspirations to everything that I suffer through. I have no reason to complain if I compare myself to the hardships you have endured. I admire your strength in every situation that you seem to face. I do truly admire you and take your words kindly to heart, but I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't. Teach me what you have learned and what you have obtained, though I know that that is impossible, because you have learned how to get through so much more....
To Becky: I am happy that someone shows concern and I am glad that someone realizes that maybe there is indeed something wrong with me. I do not like being a loner, and hate being on my own. I do however appreciate independence, but being a loner and being independent are two very different things. I realize that it is getting hard for me to concentrate and that as of late my grades and my absences are slipping more and more off the deep end. I almost didn't show up today, but again, my grandmother was home and had to make sure I was out of bed. So here I am, despite that I was up until almost 4 am crying... I don't know what to really think about any of this... I really don't. I hate being a burden to other people's emotions and I hate being a burden in general. I only like being a loner because then I never have to face losing people I love... I am truly a very sensitive person, and am very sensitive to other people's emotions. I am lost to most things these days. Nothing I do can engage me. I know I am depressed, and have been in a constant cloud since I have moved down here, but it's not the fault of anyone but me. I haven't decided to open my heart to anyone, and keep my life back in the place I used to live. I seriously considered ditching today... I have never in my life considered anything like this. I love school. I love learning... But something finally snapped and I am changing into something I don't want to be....
I have no idea why the hell that posted twice....
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