Okay!

So that memoir thing I will try to have 700+ words, lol, posted on Monday! I say 700+ because we all know how I write. Anyways!

Some news I suppose. I finally managed to have a conversation with Thesty, and it seems that he's getting involved with somethings that I would rather him not. Though he doesn't seem to know what it is either, just that he's needed. I don't like the way he chooses to live his life most of the time, but it is not my place to say what he does or why. But still, we talked for nearly an hour! New record for Thesty. But really the only reason I called him is because I knew he would be awake that late and I couldn't seem to fall asleep no matter what I did. It was nice to talk to him I suppose.

Okay! So last night, way before I called Thesty, I talked to Axel and Max via three-way calling, which I didn't know my phone could do until last night! I am so proud of my new achievement!

Anyways, Axel and Max hated each other, and yet they are somewhat good friends because of me. Max and Ax, lol must be something with the "x" sound with me, had a rather good conversation. All of us had a good time talking. It was nice to see that they can get along, as well as get equal attention from me. They seemed happy.

Anyways. I guess I will go start on that memoir thingy now.... Ta ta

Weekend thoughts

What kind and good thing will you do for the world and for yourself this weekend and what motivates that choice?

I don't know what exactly I would do for this weekend. All of my weekend plans got ruined. And if I even talk to my mom about going to my dads this weekend, even though I'm probably going anyways, She will just flip out on me again. I will mostly just try to sleep. I've been rather insomniac this week and really really need some good sleep.........

Passing Away

Who in your life who has passed away is most memorable or meaningful to you?

Hmm... This is an interesting question. As of late many people in my life have passed away, which has been hard on my family. Last summer, both of my grandpa's parents passed away, and just recently, my other great-grandfather and one of the accepted grandparents in our family did as well. By accepted I mean she is the wife of my grandma's step dad. All that's left is my grandmother's step-father. However of all of these people that have recently passed away, I wasn't particularily close to them. I vauguely remember some of them.

The only one that passed away that was extremely meaningful to me, as odd as it may sound, was my dog, Natron. He was my dog from the time I was about 4. He lived with us for 12 years and lived a happy life, though not a very healthy one towards the end. He was the greatest dog on the planet, very smart, almost human-like. He would sleep with me and keep me company, and while I was away from my dad's, he would still sleep in my bed, waiting for my return. He would always greet me with a kind and friendly lick and was always there when I needed comfort.

He would eat popcorn with us when we watched movies and he would always love to come to the beach with us or go on family vacations. Most of all he loved being outdoors. He was a hunting dog, and he loved what he did. He always had fun, and even to the very end he always wanted to get out and chase the birds. It was just that he couldn't anymore.

I remember very clearly the last stretch. My dad and his girlfriend had to go get the new truck from North Carolina in April of 08. I was down at my Aunt's house, watching over Noah, as well as her kids and the dogs, both Nate and Kai, who was still pretty small at the time.

We were going to be there from Friday night until early, like 2 am-ish early, Monday morning. Nate had been refusing to eat anything for a week by that time. I knew he was sick, and I knew it was time, but my dad insisted on keeping him around just a little longer, he had hoped until the ground had unthawed so we could bury him in a nice place that much easier. But with as skinny as he was getting, I knew it wouldn't be long. Soon, we had to move him in and out of the house on blankets and towels, and despite the fact that it was freezing outside, we had to keep him out there because he had no control over himself, bowels included.

My cousins kept wanting me to go inside, because I would get sick, which I did a little less than two days later. I sat outside in the rain with him, keeping his towels and blankets clean and covering him with newer, dryer, warmer ones. I even covered him with my own sweatshirt.

April 7, 2008. The decision had come down to it. We had to put him down...

It was an extremely hard day for the entire family. And it still is a little hard for us. We had buried Nate next to the pond where he loved to swim around and chase the ducks and geese and pheasants.

RIP My beloved Natron

Damn son of a-!

Growl! *sigh* I can't believe this shit! All this week I've been pushing it and pushing it! Hell for the past month and a half he's known! Hell since March he's known! It's me and Maxie's 6 month TOMORROW! He was supposed to see if he could come down, at least for part of the weekend! And all of this week! Hell for the past 2 months he's known about it! And what does he go and do? He sets up a graduation party for himself on Saturday and completely forgot to tell me until just now! How long has it been since he set up this party? Maybe 3 weeks? A month? God I hate him sometimes! He might not even talk to me tomorrow because he's gonna be busy doing stuff to get ready for that damn party!

I don't get it.... What have I done to have such poor karma? I'm a good person! I do nice things! Don't I? *sigh* I'm going into being more of an insomniac, and I haven't really gotten a decent nights sleep all week... On top of that I've been in bed on so many painkillers my head was spinning for the past 3 days.... I just wanted this one thing to work out. And now it won't because he "forgot". How the hell do you forget about that?

*sigh* anyways.... I'm done ranting now I think.... Time to go crawl into my little hole and let my creativity flow, as it often does when I'm in a depressed state.... And today was going good too....

Owie...

Ouchie! >.<>.< omg it hurts!!!!!!

Anyways... Maxie isnt coming... I'm starting to give up on the fact that he might never come and see me.... And umm... Thest vanished again... Completely disappeared again... I gave up on him too... He never wants to talk. Ever.... And Max has been blowing me off lately too. He rather spend his time playing games on the computer or sleeping or whatever the hell it is he does. He hung up on me because he was on the computer and it was late and he decided I needed sleep....

Sigh. I hate boys sometimes... Though... I can't really say I'm much better. Maxie said he will let me date someone else because he's too busy with school and whatever. Though he's probably got another girlfriend. Not that I care. I understand not having someone there with you is hard...

I am in fact dating someone else now as well, and their both somewhat okay with it. But if Max would stop being an ass and stop blowing me off I wouldn't have a problem. Anyways. The person I talked about earlier, Axel. I thought we had no attraction to each other, but I guess we were wrong. By the sound of it I have a better chance seeing him then Maxie. Sigh. I hate my life sometimes...

Boys. The cause of everyone's trouble....

Anyways. I'm done ranting now I think.

Best/worst part of summer

What is the best and worst thing about summer coming?

The best part of summer is of course, no school. Getting to sleep in, the warm weather, working, swimming, hanging out with friends, just being outside itself! I love summer, though it does sometimes get too hot, but that's why people like me jump into a lake or river. That nice cool water feels so good on a nice hot day!

The worst part of summer is the heat and the bugs. There gets to be way too much of that I think. Too many bugs. Though towards the end too much free time mixed with the anticipation of going back to school makes everything run slower. Honestly the worst part of summer is the end.

Wikipedia?

Umm well I found what "wiki" means and is... But i'm kinda confused as to what to do for the daily project things.... I don't know who or what I admired when I was little... hell I don't know who or what I admire now... So anyways. I guess I'll try to do tuesday's and wednesday's as well... I have lots of catching up to do with this project.

Wiki means: "A wiki is a collection of Web pages designed to enable anyone with access to contribute or modify content, using a simplified markup language.^[1][2] Wikis are often used to create collaborative websites and to power community websites. The collaborative encyclopedia Wikipedia is one of the best-known wikis.^[2] Wikis are used in business to provide intranet and knowledge management systems. Ward Cunningham, the developer of the first wiki software, WikiWikiWeb, originally described it as "the simplest online database that could possibly work."^[3]

Not good.... Warning: Swearing

I had an excellently good weekend at my dad's house and was really happy when I came home. But, if people notice, my eyes are completely bloodshot and I'm limping and really don't feel good. You know why this is? Well... As I've said many times before, stress makes me extremely sick... Despite the fact that I was happy yesterday, that all was ruined the very second I opened the door to my house....

Ugh... I wanna go home, but she's there. If my mother wasn't home I would still be in bed. I feel like I'm either gonna puke or pass out...

The second I walked into my house there was no "How was your weekend?" no "did you have fun" no "welcome home"... I got a "where the fuck have you been you're an hour late! You're never going to your dads again! Why don't you just go fucking live with him and wind up in jail or on the streets!"

Yeah. Nice mom. Real fucking nice.....

"He has no right to keep you this long! What about my rights?"

What about them mother? What about my fucking rights!? I'm not 5! I'm not 2! I'm 17! Get used to it! Maybe I want to see my father cuz I get sick of your ass yelling at me all the damn time! At least you've stopped slapping me and throwing me against cabinets. Now it's just the yelling that you know I fucking despise! Where were you after you had yelled at me enough to make me sit above the toilet gagging with the inability to breathe? Where were you when I was starting to pass out on the bathroom floor because you had pushed my limits? Were you the one to calm me down? No! Grandpa was. He and grandma are on my side because you need mental help! Until you get it I am not gonna fucking talk to you got that? I don't care what the hell you do! I will not stand for you telling me that I have no right to see my fucking parent! Got that? I am going to see him! So I'm an hour late? Big damn deal! If you want me home on time get off your lazy ass and come get me your fucking self you damn bitch!

sigh. I can't put up with this shit any more. I will raise my concern. And hopefully when I do she will listen to me and seek help.... I'm not taking this any longer, and honestly, when you move out, I might just stay with my grandparents because I don't want to take your shit any longer. You're right. I don't say I love you, I don't appreciate you, I don't respect you. Why should I? You may love me, but you don't respect me, you don't trust me or appreciate what I give up for you, what I have to put up with to make you happy. Do you not care what you're doing to me? One of these days... you're going to regret this. All of this. You make me sick, literally. And I hate you for putting me through this. You can't stop me from seeing my own father, and you never will....

Random survey thingy

Just cuz I'm bored I'm doing this lol


1. What is your best friends name?

Brandy Workman

2. What color underwear/boxers wearing now?

Uhh.... This is an unreasonable question and I'm not gonna check cuz I don't remember

3. What are you listening to right now?

Vault by Pendulum

4. Whats your favorite number?

7

5. What was the last thing you ate?

Uhh... I had apple cinnamon oatmeal for breakfast

6. If you were a crayon what color would you be?

Blue. I like blue

7. How is the weather right now?

Not raining for once. Thank god

8. Who was the last person you talked 2 on the phone?

Uhh... Axel and Maxie I think

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Hands. I swear. Hands are attractive. Eyes too.

10. Do you have a significant other?

Of course! I have my Maxie!!! ^^

11. Favorite TV show?

Supernatural and Harper's Island

12. Siblings?

Two brothers that aren't really brothers. One older one younger

13. Height?

5'3"..... used to be 5'7"

14. Hair color?

Varies, but as of late it's reddish blonde

15. Eye Color?

Again varies, so either green or hazel at the moment...

16. Do you wear contacts?

Nope. I want to though

17. Favorite Holiday?

Halloween

18. Month?

October. Just right for temperature

19. Have you ever cried for no reason?

I don't know... I think I've always had a reason

20. What was the last movie you watched?

The Great Raid last hour in WW2

21. Favorite Day of the Year?

June 23rd. I dunno why it just is.

22. Are you too shy to ask someone out?

Not if I really like them

23. Can you do a headstand (not using the wall)?

Nope

24. Hugs or Kisses?

Hugs

25. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Chocolate

26. Do you want your friends to respond to this?

If they want to

27. Who is most likely to respond?

No idea

28. Who is least likely to respond?

Again no clue

29. What books are you reading?

At the moment? "The hollow chocolate bunnies of the apocalypse" No I'm serious

30. Piercings?

Only my ears....

31. Favorite movies?

Too many to name

32. Favorite football Team?

Don't like football much. Boring

33. What were u doing before this?

Being bored

34. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?

Butter and salted naturally.

37. Dogs or cats?

I love kittys, but they don't like me. Dogs love me though. Honestly I love them both

38. Favorite flower?

Uhh... Lilacs I think

39. Been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do?

Yeah shoplifting once

40. Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex?

Ax, Roxy, Thest..... list goes on

41. Have you ever loved someone?

Maxie is my love

42. Who would you like to see right now?

Max

43. Are you still friends with people from kindergarten?

Nope

44. Have you ever fired a gun?

Yes. Both pistol and shotgun

45. Do you like to travel by plane?

I love planes

46. Right-handed or Left-handed?

Right handed while writing but while txting or typing i prefer left

47. How many pillows do you sleep with?

6

48. Are you missing someone?

Yeah.... My Maxie isn't here.....

49. Do you have a Tattoo?

Nope. Despise needles

50. Anybody that you'd go on a date with?

Maxie, maybe Thest or Ax too....


END OF SURVEY

Attack of boredom!!!!

O....M.....G..... So.....Bored!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This week has gone by really slow for me some reason and I'm glad that it's friday and all, but I really just want it to be over.... I want to take a nap..... Sleepy.... But I have to finish out this class, then watch a movie, then go through two more classes! I am seriously movied out.... No more movies for a month or two alright? I mean I'm glad we have them every once and awhile, but I am so damn movied out....

Also.... Prom tonight... everyone is excited, well, everyone that's going. I'm not going. For a few reasons. Max won't come. I'm flat broke anyways... Oh wait I lied! I have two pennies! Oh yeah... Sarcasm. Enjoy it. And I am most likely going to my dad's tonight and that's a rather long drive....

I feel like writing something now... I just don't know what.... Maybe I'll take up that extra credit prom short story thing....

Ja ne

Inspiration project thingy

Okay I did finally figure it out....

http://www.flickr.com/photos/kazureblue/sets/72157618194415660/

There's the link to it. I will be adding things on Monday I think to finish it up.

Interesting....

I was on the bus yesterday, as I am almost every day, and something rather odd happened. First off. I take the 50 to downtown St.Paul every day. From there I hop on one of the busses to the East Side where I live. And yesterday.... Well...

First off, someone at my first bus stop just right across the street was smoking. I know not a big deal right? Only they weren't smoking a cigarette.... More like cigaweed. Heh. I hate the smell of weed. Can't stand it. It makes my head hurt. So I was glad when I hopped on the 50 and got away from them, even though I swear the stench of it clung to me. I could smell it until I went home and took a shower.

Anyways I reached downtown soon enough. It was cloudy and looked like it was going to rain so I was rather glad that the bus came right away, even if it wasn't my preferred bus over the two that I have a choice over. I went and sat close to the back as I have been doing as of late. I was by myself, just zoning out and listening to music. As we got closer to the outer edge of the downtown area we let more people on.

I have a very sensitive sense of smell and could instantly tell these people had been drinking.... Only one of them chose to plop down right next to me and have a conversation. Of course I am a polite person and if you try and make conversation with me I usually respond. Only... This guy... His breath smelled worse than the rest of him. But still. I kept my politeness.

Then he started hitting on me. This man had to have been at least 50. I was sitting there, against the window with the inability to move away from him. Now, I'm a pretty damn paranoid person, and started freaking out mentally, but outside I was still perfectly calm. I asked him politely if he would mind if we switched spots, because, even though it was a lie, i told him my stop was coming up soon.

He shrugged and switched with me. He started hitting on me again and I scooted away from him. As I did he inched closer to me. Now i was sitting on the edge of my seat rather uncomfortably so I stood up and moved to another seat, which was only like, two away. He asked if I had a problem with him and I nodded. He asked why.

Here's the great part. My stop was coming up and I was rather annoyed with him anyway so I turned as I was getting off the bus and told him right to his face "It's called a shower, ever heard of one?" And I got off and walked home. He looked rather stunned because I had been so polite that entire time. I'm rather surprised he didn't try to follow me home.

Anyways. That was hopefully enough creepiness for me for the rest of the month. I hope it doesn't happen again..... ever.....

Daily question responses

How do you feel about body image in our culture? How has weight impacted your life or thinking? How important to you is size?

Honestly I think that people put too much effort into looking good. I mean, maybe I only think that because I myself am over weight, but other than that, I am in good health. I have a high blood count and my blood pressure and cholesterol are fine. I just have an extremely low metabolism. A thyroid condition runs in my family and I might have it so yeah. But seriously. Everyone wants to look like a super model, but most super models are extremely underweight. So they look good, but they also starve themselves. Someone who is 5'6" should have a healthy weight of at most 140, and at least 125 in my opinion. According to the doctors they need to be around 110. Well, what about the people that have thicker bone structure or higher muscle mass? They think they're over weight but they aren't. Muscle and bone are heavier than fat.

I don't really care what people look like. Some people are overweight, some people are freakishly small, so what? If people didn't judge each other a long time ago, why is it so important now? It's like that butter commercial where it says that the people in like the 50's used butter in everything and lots of it, and yet? They were still skinny and still healthy! So why should it make so much of a difference now?

!@#$%^&*(-)

What is the best plan? And, how equipped are young people to hearing critique and feedback? How do you hear feedback differently from friends, family or teachers? Where did you learn your response to constructive criticism or compliments, for that matter?



I think that if you are honest with someone, no matter what the case be it a compliment or criticism, they will respect you more because you were honest. I am a very honest person and I'm not afraid to speak my mind. I also think that most teens are this way. They may shrug off the comment, or they may take it to heart and change whatever it was, but they can handle it.

Feedback is a very important part of communication. But you do hear it differently from different people. If your friends tell you something, you may choose to listen, or you may not. They are your friends. If your family tells you something, you automatically have that need to fight it, because no matter what they will accept you as a person because you're family and they have to. As for taking it from teachers, people usually shrug it off, but only the ones that aren't serious about what they're doing.

I have learned that if you take things to heart and fix whatever problems others see in you, if you think they are bad as well, you will be a better person. Culture and communication mold people into what they are. If you don't show concern and honesty, if you don't criticize and compliment, people won't change for the better.

Finished!!!

OKay I finished the flickr project thing.... Here's the link cuz I really don't know what to do. I hate flickr....

http://www.flickr.com/photos/kazureblue/

The pics are backwards on this so scroll to the bottom and start there....

Dreams on crack

Okay I swear my dreams are on crack....

Last night I was talking to my friend Ax, which is probably why I managed to have a random ass dream about him.

In the dream for some reason he was fighting with his lover Roxy. So he came to me for comfort and we eventually got together.... Well... that may not seem strange but it really is. Here, let me explain.

Ax came to me weeping about Roxy, and when he told me he wanted me by his side, I refused, saying I had Max. So thew next day he turned Max into a dog..... I wondered where my lover was, but Ax didn't know.... On top of that he turned Thest into a bunny rabbit....

It was the middle of winter and he was wearing these horribly pink pants and a pink striped shirt and on top of that he was wearing a pink bandana and was humming and singing and carrying a broom. He was turning into a very strange housewife who decided to thaw the pool with a hair dryer because it wasn't pretty when it was frozen....

As if any of this wasn't stange enough we had pocky every day for breakfast lunch and dinner. He decided to turn Roxy into a bird and put him in a golden cage. He fed all of the animals/ex-lovers pocky too. All of this is very very odd to me....

I told Ax about this dream this morning and he laughed saying it was funny. He was gonna tell Roxy about it, and I think Roxy will crack up too.

Ah grooming and Life experiences

What grooming that you do makes you feel totally awesome?

I always have to have clean hair.... Always... I love having my hair be soft and clean all of the time and sometimes I have to take a shower more than once a day. But that's only when I use gel in my hair to spike it or something.....


What's an interesting "first" story in your life?

For me. I can't really my "first" anything... But my first experience actually painting a serious project.... It was the first time I had really ever experienced anything like it. Of course I wound up getting covered in different colors, but it turned out being really nice.

Sigh

Meetings today.... Interesting really. I began talking with one of the social workers here. I do feel a little better, but we will see if this as any positive effect on me. If it doesn't, my mother has decided that she will go get me actual counseling and maybe medication.

I was talking to Maxie last night and the reality of him coming down is starting to get us both excited. Oh! I got my friend Axel's number. I was talking to him last night. He sounds cute. He looks cute. I got a picture of him last night too. He is cute. Not as cute as my Maxie though..... I have decided to put some pictures up. One of Max one of Thesty... Just because they are so cute! >.<

<----Maxie Thesty----->

Ah yes.... the people fighting for my attention..... Tee hee.... I don't like that picture of Maxie... The one on the side of the profile is better.

Anyways. I don't really have anything else to say so yeah.....

Weekend stuffs

Okay so this weekend was pretty okay I guess. I was kinda bored but kinda having fun at the same time. I spent the night with a few friends and got attacked by kitty's!!!! I love kitty's. They is cute! So.... My half boyfriend I suppose is trying really hard to get my attention. I told Max about it and he laughed and said it was cute....

First off. You have to understand that me and Max have a very open relationship. He has dated other people, as have I, and we understand that. We have still made it nearly 5 1/2 months already.

But if anyone remembers from my previous blogs I continually mentioned someone by the name of Thest. Well.... He kinda likes me, and I kinda like him. I told Max about it and he's all for it actually. He says it's good for me and that he doesn't care so long as Thest doesn't come between us. And Thest says he will try to make me happy, though he would never take me away from Max.... Ugh... boys....

ANYWAYS!!!!

Over the weekend Thesty finally txtec me after being MIA for a few days. But he's Thesty and he does that. Well he really wanted to talk to me, and I couldn't because I had no minutes. Mind you this is like... 2:30 in the morning on the Thursday/Friday border. He seemed rather disappointed when I couldn't talk. That's when he told me why he was gone for the past few days.

You see, He's in a band. They had a gig so they had to practice.... Well... Appearently he had played his guitar and sang a song, of which he dedicated to me. And the reason he wanted to talk to me so much is because he wanted to play it for me.... I told Max and he thought it was cute....

Honestly I think Thest is trying harder than Max sometimes, and he's not even sure if he wants anything more than a friendship.... sigh.... Boys are so strange sometimes..... I digress.

I just realized that I don't6 call either of them by their real names.... Max's name isn't really Max. And Thest's name isn't really Thest... Both are online names.... Lol but they don't call me by mine either. I'm either Kaz or Hari... Lol.

That's okay I guess. Anyways, yesterday was mother's day and my mother let me sleep in til nearly 1pm because I was tired. But I woke up and made pancakes for her for breakfast like she wanted. I do feel kinda sick today though... I couldn't help it... The bacon smelled nummy..... >.< I'm allergic to ham and bacon you see.... But I hadn't had it since I developed this allergy a few months ago.... It sucks....

I was pretty much in my room playing guitar hero all day yesterday though because my mom was cleaning the living room carpet as a gift to my grandma. And man did they need it.... My dog Zeus has a sore on his nose, where we think he got stung by a bee or something... But it doesn't seem to bug him so he must be okay.

My friend Niknak, also online name, had her birthday over the weekend. And as a present she got two little black ducklings! So cute!!!

Me and Max have been discussing him coming down here on the 29th for our six month anniversary, he wants to come to school with me but I don't know if it would be allowed as he would only ever be coming for that one day... He's graduating and going to Virginia tech this year..... If it isn't allowed I'm getting permission from my mother to take the day off if my grades are good. She won't let me not spend the day with him, and I wouldn't give up the only opportunity to see him until next year.... Ever. But hopefully that won't be a problem.... If it is well... I won't be here that day. If his mother lets him come. She better....

Anyways that's about all I guess for now...

Oh yeah, my project might be late because the google search thing isn't working today.... It worked on Friday... but that was it, and I don't have internet at home....

My lacking....

I have been slacking off about blogging I suppose, as I don't do it as much as I used to. I guess that maybe it's because I don't have internet access at home anymore? I dunno. But I only am online for a total of around 2 hours a day, which is odd for someone who is used to being on all day... I used to be on for close to 9 hours a day. Why? Because I have nowhere to go. I am stuck in the house all day with nothing to do... now I sit playing video games all day, though I hope this changes very soon because it's getting to be nice outside and I want to be out!! I need to get a bike....

Anywho! Yesterday as I was just about to get off of the bus it started hailing! Hail!!! Of all things! I walked maybe a block and was completely soaked as I got onto the bus.... The sad thing is? It stopped like maybe 5 minutes later. The whole thing probably lasted around 10 minutes and I swear the downtown St. Paul area was in the center of a flash flood. It was really odd. It made me realize that if I wouldn't have had my laptop, cell phone and mp3 player I would have been splashing around in those puddles and dancing in that rain. Why do people not enjoy those simple things anymore?

I was reading over the comments of my blog and Yes Aerin, I know that if I stopped putting on that mask everyday that I would be given the help I so dewsperately need, but when I do remove it, people think that it's just mood swings, and just being a teenager. No one truly knows. Well... Except you, Kyra, Max... Hell my old friends... I miss them so much... I miss home....

This place... As amazing as it is... It's not my home. These aren't my friends... these aren't my teachers... this is not my school... this is not my home... Not my sky, not my grass, not my lake... Nothing is mine. Hell the bed in my room, the tv the dresser, the walls... None of it is mine. None of this belongs to me. I want to go home....

I want nothing more than to see my friends once more... The ones that care so much about me... Mimi, Kari... I miss you both more than you could ever imagine.

Kari is on the left Mimi is on the right.... They took this picture for me about a week or so after I moved. They sent it to me via picture message with their voices saying they missed me. I wanted so much just to steal a car and return to my home. But no. I have to be strong. I have to stay here. I miss my life. I gave up my job, my school, my friends. Hell I even gave up most of my possessions, ditching all but one box of things when I moved into my grandparent's house.

Don't get me wrong. I have some friends down here... But they are not as much as these people... People I have known for a long time... 5 years... For me that's a long time... I think I know why I can't remember anything before those years of living in Big Lake. I was skipping around... Had been to so many different schools, and that was the first one that I was in for more than a year.... Maybe that's why it was so hard to move... I had finally let myself into their lives... Finally got to be a part of the community.... Was I happier there. Definitely. I had a job, I was on track to graduate, granted I was bored with school, but I'm still bored with school. It's not challenging enough, so I do skip some days, just so I will have a challenge to catch up. But a few days later and I'm still one of the best students in the class....

I let the ice that had hardened me completely melt away... And now? It's returning. I feel a breakdown in the midst, but dare I show my weakness to others? Of course not. Inside I am dying, but I swallow it and put a smile on my face and walk out of the room proudly. If anyone knew my secret, my weakness, would they care?

How many of my old friends had let me just break? How many of them expressed concern for me when I talked of just ending it...? How many times had I asked the questions, "would anyone care, would anyone notice?"

No. All of these things are hidden deep within me. Why? Because if they came out my family would push me away more. No one would get me counseling. If they did I wouldn't express it to them either. I am a loner. I will always be a loner. I express my true self to Max. He understands me. He lets me cry. But a true and complete breakdown is something I have not suffered in a long time... I can almost guarentee that I will not be here the coming Monday. Why? Because I doubt I will make it through this week, but my grandmother is home so I can't just stay home and sleep the day away. I will wait patiently... Wait patiently for that wall in my mind to finally break into oblivion.....

Flikr Project thing

Well I'm kinda lost, and I'm stuck between the places I want to visit. I have narrowed it down to three choices, but for someone who wants to travel the world this project is actually pretty hard. There are so many places I want to see!!!

Umm.... I have narrowed it down to Japan, Russia, and Egypt... Now I'm doing research on all three, though I think I will most likely choose Japan, the other two are still very good opportunities..... In the meantime I am going off to make a flikr account....

Dreams

What do you dream about? How do you interpret those dreams? Or, how do you tackle insomnia and sleepless nights?

I recently haven't been dreaming about anything. I think it's because I'm such a light sleeper that I don't dream as often. The last time I had a dream I think it was about a few of my friends and I trying to fight off a giant cat.... I can't really remember... Insomnia and sleepless nights visit me often, and I usually just watch a movie or play video games or read a book until I finally pass out. That or I sit and talk on my phone to my boyfriend who can usually get me to fall asleep.

Movie Rflections

This movie was indeed interesting... It gave insight to a family more psychotic than my own, which I thought was rather interesting in itself.... I had a hard time trying to follow it though, maybe I just need to watch it all the way through without a day in between? Who knows. Anyways All in all it was a pretty good movie, one of the types that makes you think and wonder about why people do the things they do.

Make-up and Marriage

Make-up is something that most women bury themselves under, but for people like me I don't see why everyone bothers. I guess it's because I see the inner beauty of people. I don't seem to ever bother with something like make-up. It's a pointless angonizing process....

Now marriage on the other hand...

I want to get married, and by all means am practically engaged. We have discussed marriage and our life together in the future. But we want to finish out school first. It will be years before we are together in marriage. But I think marriage is something that is just that. I don't really see how it can cause anything but pain. If you are happy with someone, that's what matters right? Marriage is just a front. People think, "Oh I'm Married" so? You are still a person, you still have choices. If you make the wrong ones, either if you're married or not there will still be bad consequences.

Tribute to My Koishii

This is something he wrote... I just felt like putting it up here and I am trying to write something off of it.

"One More Chance to Be Inspired
You're talking about leaving
It's right about Christmas time
Thinking about moving on
I think I might die inside

I'm thinking about years gone by
I'm thinking about church at midnight
I'm thinking about letting go
I think that might finally be alright

But this is where we shine

Silver bells and open fire
And songs we used to sing
One more chance to be inspired
Is what I'm offering if love is not enough
Then stay with me because
The heartache can wait

It's not about hanging on
It's making my deal with God
If I could call one last truce
We've given it all we've got

Then I'm gonna catch my breath
And make it a long December
If we've got nothing left
This could be worth remembering
With a smile upon my face" - Maxel


It is not meant for me really. But it makes me think so I will write a response to it.

"Snow flies through the night
And I am beginning to lose the sight
The sight of all we had
The sight of all we are

I talk about leaving, but you must have heard me wrong
I want to leave for warmer days
Places where the sun is always shining
And places where we can be alone

My love for you will never fail
My love for you is always true
My love for you may have faltered
But my love for you will see us through

Christmas night is here again
And I fear my gift is not enough
I have nothing to give you
Except my wounded heart

You doubted me
I doubted you
Our doubt in each other
Will be enough to see us through

You look at me with sadness
As I enter the room with nothing
You hold out a tiny box
But I have no reason to accept it

You sigh as I reject your gift
You ask me if you are not good enough for me
My heart clenches in pain
I wrap my arms around you and kiss your cheek

You question my behavior
I respond with a smile
I tell you I love you
And for you that seems good enough" -Kaz

Weekend Activities: Plotting Murder

Ah the weekend is over and once more I feel utterly exhausted. Though It is the fault of both me and my boyfriend... I couldn't leave him. He needed me to be there for him. More than anything. So I stayed up until 2:30 am comforting him. You see, I'm not really allowed to tell anyone, and I will honor his wish, only because I cannot do anything to help him from this far away. But I swear I will kill that bastard... Not Maxie. His damn brother. The son of a bitch I despise. I will murder him. I will I swear. Or at least maim him enough to throw him into a coma that he will never wake up from. I will make it look like an accident. Make it self inflicted.... He doesn't deserve to die I guess... That would be too kind.... He deserves to suffer, and he will. But of course my Koishii may never know of this... He knows I despise this man, no, not a man... not even a tiny speck of dust. More like a damn waste of existance. I will hospitalize that son of a bitch. I swear it.... No one can get away with doing something like that. And I hope karma comes back and bites him hard in the ass....

Weird @$$ movie....

Polishing quarters. I like shiny things too but damn kid... That's kinda weird. You don't need to polish quarters in order to be special and famous.

Ooh she got rejected.... That's kinda sad. I'm still trying to figure out what this movie is about....

sad... that poor poetry girl. She just got pwned! I don't like her voice. Too squeaky. Ah Men. The end of everything!!! Heh.

Yeah this woman is overreacting and over dramatic. Ouch. Musta hurt when he hit his head.

Yeah I suck at movie things... I can't type about movies. I'm really bad at it. Poor kid is getting dragged into all of the drama. My family is kinda like that. My mom he Borderline disorder but won't go get help. So she's always dramatic.

Who is this old guy? Seems like a bit of a pervert to me. The poor kid. Is that a lie detector? oh... it's a recorder thing. That's something she shouldn't have... Somebody like her shouldn't get on tape.

Hah! Medication!!! The tiny little pill to solve all of mankinds problems!!!! Heh. Counseling! i hate counselors... And yet... I plan on marrying a future psychologist.... What the hell is wrong with me? Heheheh Narcissism.... That poor guy. Probably just a normal guy dragged into too much drama. Seems a little like my own parents. That poor kid... He's so stuck in all of this.... Oh wow. I was right pervert. "That leads to an adjacent room where I masturbate."

Ah the wonder of men... Perverts. I sense incest... ewwwwwww..... wow look at all of those pills....

masturbatorium... heheh

ewww... the color it burns!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Too pink.... Why would anyone want their house to be that color!??

Movie stuff

We are watching the movie "Running with Scissors" Never seen it... Everyone says it's funny. We will see....

So far its about a boy and his mom. It's kinda weird. Ack my pocket is vibrating. Dammit Maxie! >.<>.< This woman scares me. She seems really dramatic. And she seems to have a really odd relationship with her son. She writes poetry and is trying to get into the New Yorker. She seems a bit egotistical. That... Poor...poor...dog....

My mommy loves me!

Last night she went to walmart and was there for almost 4 hours. At least to my knowledge. You seem to lose track of time in that place. Anyways! When she got home she said she had a present for me. Here I was, thinking she had gotten me skullcandy headphones, but no. I got the Gumy ones, which is fine. I like them. But she pulled out the First Death Note Live Action Film!!!! I screeched happily in the kitchen. On top of that, she got me headphones, which I had desperately needed. And she got me more minutes for my cell phone! Oh and a big pack of gum! Yeah.... So I am happy now. And I am feeling much better today than I did yesterday. I went home early, like right as lunch was ending, and I fell asleep at around 1. I slept til 6 or so. So yeah. Much better now. I still feel tired, but no more tired than usual. Anyways that was my update!